New Year

Oh yes. Another new year is here or coming quickly. This year has seen terrible things so I hope and pray that the new year will be better.

Any Thoughts

Well, Christmas is here. This year went in a blur. Everything is really just a blur. This year was different. It was simply odd. I am hoping to start the next year, God willing, right. But what is right? I really wish I knew cause my new years are always the same. But i wont worry about that now since christmas day has even gone yet. And on that note i shall end this post and drink some nutty rum.

Updating for you

Oh, bloggers, I am still here. Even if you miss me or not. I stop posting for a while for the simple reasons of not wanting to and busy doing other things. Since my last post every thing is normal, nothing worth posting about. However this post is to share a few prayers or meditations with you.

Here they are:

(1)
Serenity Prayer

God grant me the
courage to change
the things I can
change.
The serenity to accept
those I cannot
change.
And the wisdom
to know the
difference.

(2)
I pray this prayer as other do,
May the love of God abide with you.
Wherever you stay, where you go,
May the love of God widhin you grow.
Throught days of labour, and nights of rest,
The love of God will make you blest.
So I pray to you, as others do,
May the love of God abide with you.

(3)
God, make me brave for life: oh, braver than this
Let me straighten after pain, as a tree straightens after rain,
Shining and lovely again.
God, make me brave for life, much braver than this.
As the blown grass lifts, let me rise
From sorrow with quiet eyes,
Knowing Thy way is wise.
God, make me brave,
Life brings such blinding things.
Help me to keep my sight;
Help me to see aright
That out of dark comes light.

These prayers or meditation were taken from the "Powers of the Psalms".

Torn Too Many

I sat tonight at my keyboard. I look down at my fingers on the home keys knowing what to type but just couldn't. My thoughts are flying wildly around in my head which I just couldn't catch. I wanted to describe how I am feeling but I am torn between too many adjectives. I am however improving my talent like I said I would try to do. So, tonight's post will be brief.

I am here.

Dreaming

I had a pleasant dream lastnight. I like the dreams leave me feeling special when I wake up on mornings. It keeps me happy whole day and I wish that I can have similar dream the following night.

Evil People

I open myself up to a movie the other day. I never watch it before because I thought that I wouldn't find it interesting. Well, this movie is named "The Pianist". Well, I found that it held my interest. The night before I watch that movie, I saw a documentary on Hitler. This world has seen some terrible devils. But the interesting thing about him is that he set out to do exactly what he said he would do in his first book, and the never released second book. I really believed that he had to be an antichrist.

I really hope the world don't go back to those times. People may say that the world is more advance than that now. But all it needs is one person with power and a sick and twisted mind. After seeing this movie, I did a little search on evil people. I wanted to make sure that the names I was thinking of were not fiction.

These are really sad times. I wonder a time, when would be the best time to live, in what year. I came up with no answer.

! Earthquake !

For the first time ever, I felt an earthquake. Damn. That shit freak me out. Made me dizzy. My told me not to "panic" but I was laughing though i was scared. It was 5.4

Where's Safe?

Where is the best place to stand for an agrument? Do you choose a side or stay neutral? Any one that you choose, you will get hurt. It will be either the opposing party or both parties. The best thing is not to know about any agrument and to stay a far from hearing any (if you can).

Imagine

Can you believe, there are places in this world that people will never get to see with their own eyes but only through movies and pictures. I am not asking a question. I just know this as a fact. Sometimes I wonder, if I can just pick up and else where, where would I choose. My immediate answer without considering anything else would be Greece. I choose there just for the fact that I love Greek mythology.

Secrets, Only Secrets

Tonight, I am going to address "Secrets amongst friends." Personally, I have no problem with this. I can tell one friend something that I won't tell another for different kinds of reasons. I, then, won't have a problem with some one keeping something from me because I am very secretive. But, I will have a problem when some one is talking in code in front of a person or a group. It is even worse when the code-speaking person don't know how to speak in code. This happen to me the other evening. I got a friend that always have a secret to tell. Always have something that "you can't tell you know who". For that, I am avoiding that friend. It is no way, I am letting this person dump a shit-fucking-load of information they think secret when so much people already know. It is bad, keeping all this shit in when I am getting upset. But it have been a while since my friend told me anything and I am glad. But I found out from other people my friend secrets and I saw with my every own eyes. I also very easily connect the dots in her code language. My friend still got alot to learn.

Questions

Is it human nature to question every single thing? Must we pull apart every thought we had or somebody else had? We can't we sometimes just accept what a person claims to be the truth. For one simple reason, we can't.

We have to and always will question something or someone. I guess it is human nature because it is how we survive. We need to believe in something, so we tear it apart with questions for the reasons why we believe.

I ask myself sometimes why I cling to a song. I have no better reason to answer with than that the song speaks to me.

I ask myself sometimes why I believe in fantasies. I have no better reason to answer with than that I choose to believe that there can be a safe world.

I ask myself sometimes why I keep may problems to myself. All I can say is that is the why I am.

By asking myself questions, I see who or just a part of who I am.

Quiz Crazy Baby!!!

Man, I went quiz crazy. What else can I do now at 2:37am. I shouldn't have slept during the day.

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What kind of blogger are you?

You Are the Peacemaker

9 You are emotionally stable and willing to find common ground with others. Your friends and family often look to you to be the mediator when there is conflict. You are easy going and accepting. You take things as they come. Avoding conflict at all costs, you're content when things are calm.

What number are you?

Wasting My Cells

I saw a commerical the other day about some Real Gilligan's Island. I started to think how come Mary-Ann and Ginger never got pregnant. I mean, they were on the island for some good years and it seem that they had no sex. Well, maybe they had sex but not the baby making kind.

Some quizzes I did:


Your anime hair color is green.


What is your anime hair color?
brought to you by Quizilla

Graduation Came And Went

Ah yes! One chapter of my life has been closed but not sealed shut. It will be a time I will always reflected upon. The two years I spent there went faster then I can imagine. I didnot realise I was losing precious time with my friends, but we did have some great moments.

Searching For My Neverland

I wonder where's my Neverland. I love the story of Peter Pan. A boy that never wanted to grow up. I know if I was Wendy, I would have stayed in Neverland. But we all have to grow up. We have to grow old if we are given the chance.

I know where my mental Neverland is but I want to find my physical Neverland. I wonder, can my Neverland be a person or must it be a place. I wonder where my search will carry me. What people and places will see. I have to begin my search

Damn!!!!

^_^

or

*_*

i wish i
was drunk, high
or something
right now.

Stinking Question

"what do you want from life?"

i just hate people to ask me that. i know some people will know what to say and will answer with the utmost confidence, but i just don't know. sometimes, what a person wants is what they don't need. once, i had answer as soon as that question was asked. i responded by saying, "i just want to survive." that person appreciated my answer but i wished i wasn't asked. i believe what we want out of life is changed with every decision we make along the way. sometimes, we make a plan for our life and people and things come in that we changed to a different goal.

live so much for the moment that i cant say what i want long term. the lord knows what i need and he knows what i ask for. if i ask him for something and it wasnt granted to me, it is because i dont need it.

do anyone really know what they really need out of life?

Poetry At Will

My Eyes To Cry

Real tears that streamed from my eyes
Were hidden from the ones who caused it.
The hurt that gripped strong at my heart,
Cause me to hide once again.
Hide from all compliments, all remarks,
All false and real smiles.
My heart, I decide, needs to hardened.
Turn cold all emotions and feelings
That may cause me to cry.
To cry tears down a familiar path on my cheeks.
As I look in the mirror now,
I see stale tears smeared across my cheeks,
My nose turning red to match my eyes.
My lonely reflection begins to get blurry
As the pain returns and my eyes fill.
I close my eyes tight,
Squeezing in my salty tears
And trying to find strength.

Enemy Found

It is true. You are your worse own enemy. I have seen that I can really destroy myself. I can not really say how much damage is done, but I can just sense it. I hold myself back alot. Well, maybe in time, since I know how i am slowly damaging my mental health, I can repair myself. Not sure yet, how I am gonna do that?

Achieving This

I sat at this keyboard this afternoon thinking about what I can post. There have been thoughts blowing about in my head that i need to sweep out. But these thoughts are hard to place. I am trying these days to develop my artistic side. I am trying to improve my drawing skills, so that I can attempt to put my written or spoken words in a single picture. I do believe that I can achieve this. I believe that this computer has made be lazy. I used to question my talent that I inherited but not anymore.I can draw what I see but the challenge is to draw what isn't there. This will take time but I will be patience and not give up. This is something that I don't want to accomplish but need to.

Someone For Everyone

i was watching a show on vh1. i believe it was "totally Obsessed". well, these people have the most weird hobbies and nasty obsessions. really nasty. one person i saw want to be a cat, a woman want to reach 600 pounds and one guy is obsessed with pac-man. he was creepy. well, what i notice is that with these people and their weird obsessions, they all got a husband or a wife. just goes to prove that there is someone for everyone.

Any Kind Of Words

I wonder sometimes if words really do hold power. Can words really boost and motivate person all the time or only at special moments.

So-So Movies

It have this movie that i like to watch. It is named "Camp'. I know some people make call it lame but to me it was alright. It was interesting and I had liked the some of the singing. I really liked "How can you see me through my tears" and "here's where I stand". I thought they were beautiful songs.

There are some movies that are out that may suck to the general public to you, you will give a high rating.

Dreaming Sweet Or Sweet Dreams

Oh yes, there is a beauty in dreaming. Not dreams of the future, but the dreams that come when you see close your eyes. Wonder if there is a difference between 'sweet dreams" and "dreaming sweet". To me "sweet dreams" is just what someone says to you just to be polite before you sleep. The dreams that therefore hugged you all night are just a comfort. But "dreaming sweet" are the dreams that make you wake up with a wide friggin' smile on your face. these are not wet dreams but just dreams that just make you feel good.

busy bee be me

i have been keeping myself busy the old fashion way with sewing and crocheting. it is fun.

mummy knows

everyone knows that there are times when your parents are right. i had a friend that used to come by me when i was younger. my mother used to tell me "he looking for a girlfriend". that was true but to avoid any talk, i used to say "nah, that my friend". well, our area was close so my mummy used to see him and come and tell me that my friend was looking high. well, i never used to comment to this cause i knew it could be right. i intentionly, lose touch with him cause he was making my mother ask me too much questions. i hate personal questions with a passion. now, one of my girl friends that knew this boy would give me updates. updates like "jail taking too long to come for him" and "he only smoking". so, how can i tell my mother about him knowing she was right so much years ago. well, i don't. she already knows the truth to her. i don't need to say a thing.

Still here

i am here. i am keeping myself busy if you wanna know.

Moving On

Yes, I am here and I am waiting. I am waiting on the stairs to grow out of the ground so that I can take that next step to that nex level in my life. If the stairs are taking to long to grow, I got a sledge hammer to crack the ground open and a shovel to dig it up. Yes, I can say again, I am ready. I have kept myself somewhat busy these days that I don't know if you can tell.

I can feel the change within me as I stand at the door to unfamiliar territory. I believe that I can move bravely onwards through that door, into the unfamiliar until everything turns into the norm. I have grown alot in thses past two years for the reasons that I had to and needed to. I have made new friends and lost sight of old ones. I have determined my enemies and discovered my guardian angels. I am finally finding my name.

Death By Secrecy

I believe it is alright to have secrets. Everybody has something that they just can not tell somebody. But then again, some people need at least one person to share their secret with. I do not mind keeping my friends’ secrets. But, it is head ache where one friend always has a secret to share about someone, about what they are doing and about to do. It is tiring always to be told something, then to be follow with the words, “don’t tell ...”. It is really bad when everything they are telling you is to keep in confidence. I am a piggy bank of secrets, but, I will not break easy. Too much secrets can tear away the inside of a person, especially this piggy bank. I am beginning to get full and some one’s account will be to closed and opened at another piggy bank. I know too much that I wished I didn’t knew.

Judgement Time;

My friend is guilty of "oversharing", "just blabbing" and "too much secret sharing".

Her Fine:

The Piggy Bank OF Secrecy will not record a few of her deposits.

Believing The Untrue

I like to pretend that I can sing and these days I am just listening to Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine, some Avril Lavigne and some J-kwon. I thought I wasn't going to like his music but he got me. He, to me, is very good. So, with me being home by myself these days, I play the songs on the highest volume and pretend I can sing. Sometimes, my neighbour hears me. I just like to hear the first verse in Sweet Child O' Mine:

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

That part alone makes me happy and give me some kind of energy. Now, I like Avril Lavigne’s Slipped Away:

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same oh

And also Freak Out:

You don't always have to do everything right
Stand up for yourself
And put up a fight
Walk around with your hands up in the air
Like you don't care

'Cause I'm all right
I'm fine
Just freak out let it go

And also Who Knows:

Find yourself
'Cause I can't find you
Be yourself
Who are you?
Find yourself
'Cause I can't find you
Be yourself
Who are you?

Even though I can be singing the whole song, I get really lively at those parts. Now, for J-Kwon I found the lyrics to these two songs. These are the parts I like:
They Ask Me:

[Chorus]They ask me, do I believe in God
So I ask them, did I defeat the odds

[Bridge]
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
Now they ask me how you know so much at 17
What you mean
You never seen a dysfuctional teen
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, woah
Times got hard I had to get harder
Let me take that back I had to get smarter

His next song - You & Me

[Chorus- Sadiyyah]
Don't need no ice and no billie
I just wanna have you here wit me
I'm their for you, always be true
It's just you and me, you and me
You don't have to go double platinum
I'll be their and I'm always goin' back em'
I'm their for you, always be true
It's just you and me you and me

Music can really give you energy. Yup, I believe I can sing below loud music. I don't want to be the reason for rain. (^_^)

No Title For This

well again i have no description for how i am feeling. my best friend from my younger days remember me last night. we talked for a while. for the past few days since i wasn't blogging i was writing in my diary. these things that i wrote were some self reflections that i can not share. it was stuff that i needed to get out of my head. there were times i used to go into a Word program and type how i felt and then just highlight and delete the whole thing.

i am going to join hi5. some friend always sending me an email to join. now i wish i didn't jion. damn! i have been member to so much sites it is a shame. but i won't leave my blogging community.

Un-needed Update

It have been a while since I posted anything and sadly I have nothing important to report. I have been listening to plenty of music and I need now some fresh new artistes that I don't know about to listen to.

Beauty In Giving

i wanted to write a post on how nice it is to give than to receive, but my fingers couldn't touch the letters to form the words needed. i know, personally, that i like to give. i do not like to ask for things and hardly take stuff from people. i am in a mood. not depressed, not really angry but i am, for a lack of a better phrase, in a state. i was thinking of something that i can put together for my mummy. i know she would like it cause it will be dealing with flowers. this lady of mines love flowers. i hope i can create what i thinking about.

Creativity At A Boredom's Notice 3

Vocalizing

I am more vocal through my written words.
People would know that about me
If they were to meet me.
I find some strength,
Some peace, some clarity
Through my writing.
But still in my writing I hide.
I hide behind my most powerful words
And cry for all my weaknesses.
Though, these tears were never felt
On my brown cheeks.
They were felt within me
As it flooded my system.
I am more vocal through my written words;
Or, at least, I try to be.

Making Thought

what a silly, dangerous world we live in today. silly on the account of what kind of people make up this world and dangerous on the account of what these silly people are capable of doing. i have to equip myself with some terminator eyes so i can see, as soon as i meet someone, what qualities and warning they have about them.

Creativity At A Boredom's Notice 2

I was thinking again.

Saying And Saying

I am going to say this,
And I bet not one
Living soul will hear.
Are you going to listen to me?
Are you going to acknowledge me?
Here what I have to say,
"Hello. I am kind. Lets be friends."
Everyone turned their back on me.
I am too kind, too sweet, too angelic
For their company.

But again, I am going to say this,
And I bet this time
Every living soul would hear.
You will hear me!
You will acknowledge my presence!
Here what I have say,
"Whatever. Look I here. I doh need yuh."
Everyone watched me with a smile.
I showed them I was strong
On my own.

I then again said
For my final remark'
"I am kind and sweet.
But I can be rude to any
And everyone."
I paused for a moment.
I looked at their faces.
Then I said,
"I am only a detrimental angel."

Creativity At A Boredom's Notice

I was thinking of something and came up with this. I am bored. But not really.

Breathe

I am holding my breath,
My head, however, isn't under water.
Why wouldn't I breathe
When I know I can?
My life, I can see
Is moving slow before my eyes.
My hands clenched into a fist,
My eyes burns and tears, and
My heart beats faster and faster.
Everyone walks around me.
Why can't they see I need help.
They can't hear me.
I can't shout to them.
When will I come up for air?
I am drowning in my fears,
My hopes and my dreams.

Just Wanted To Type Again

hey people, fellow bloggers, this girl is in a state of friggin boredom. aint boredom a bitch. i wish, i just wish. i dunno what to wish for but i just wish. the only thing that held my interest for the past day or so was java applets. but my interest for that has gone now. i need to come out of the house but i have no money. now that is a new bitch. first, it was boredom and now, it is no money. believe i might find a third one before the end of this post.

besides doing some java work i have been blog hoppin. wishing it was club hopping or bar hopping but say what. at least, i wasnt bored at that time. i noticed that some people put what song they listening to and i thought i could do that. but that wouldnt be me. and i got to be me. i got to be all i can, here in this blogging community. not the army.

well as you can tell, i am bored and got no money. but on a happy note, (^_^) today is my mummy birthday. and of course with out her birth there wouldnt have been mines. Well, it looks like i will end this blog with only two bitches that is boredom and no money.

I got a

I got a heart sick soul. The pic was too big for my blog. But this is what it said.

You have a heartsick soul! Youre the type of girl
who always has a crush and is writing their
name on all your books. You are a hopeless
romantic. Waiting for that prince charming, you
take love seriously, but still play any chance
you get. You can have a lot if boys who are
friends, but waiting for that perfect
boyfriend. Sometimes you are discouraged
because there are no sparks but even if the
smallest thing happens, youre on Cloud 9. You
believe in true love and wait for it. Just dont
be afraid to take a chance. Love is all about
risks.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
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I am

You are Schroeder!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
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Touch Of A Biography

This Is My Life

This is my life.
It aint no nursey rhyme,
No story book tale or fable.
Though, my life were full
Of hard lessons to learn.
Decisions I made on my own
Or were forced to make.

This is my life.
It ain't no box office hit,
No #1 comedy or suspense.
But fill with laughs and tears.
Moments I wish I never experience
And moments I want
To continue forever just for the joy.

This is my life.
It is fill with friends I made,
Enemies I identified.
Friends I let loose,
Friends I kept closer,
Strangers I wish I knew
And people I wish I didn't meet.

This is my life.
I am living it.
Living to the best
I know how.
I have stories to tell,
Lies I said, jokes I told,
And advice for who wants to hear.

Story Of A Girl

One day, a girl woke up and felt different. She couldn't identify the difference she felt within her, but a change she knew, was coming. Each of her days felt similar to the last. She had serched within her dreams to find some meanings of her confusion. However, she knew she would find out soon. Each day, though it was slow, quiet and lazy for her, everything was becoming clearer.
Soon she would be living her own life; making her own decisions and reaping the rewards and consquences of each of her decisions. This girl knew that one day, she would awake up and realise that she has her own independence.

Why That So

well i was thinking about crushes again. i was thinking how a person wants certain things from in a boy or girl. certain qualities and features that this person must have, but then a person with out one single quality you like is choosen to be your boy/girlfriend. why that so? it makes me frigthen to think what kind of husband i might find. i think this is the first time i acknowledge myself getting married. (^_^) i want to make sure that the man i marry, isnt some closet cunt. all sweet and kind during the courting process, then ring on finger, he turns into worse till death do we part. you really have to know who you marrying. you mustnt have regrets when it come to marriage.

My Dusty Brain

I haven't been sweeping out my head. I got cobwebs and some big freaking spiders roaming around without paying rent. But don't get too comfortable Mr. Spider. I got a vacuum for your ass. When I am done, you wouldn't think about come back.

Okay, people. I swept out my head and organizing my thoughts.

Seeing And Accepting

I wonder sometimes, not all the time, how people see me. I don’t really want an answer. Not even if it positive. It is something I just was wondering. I look at things and people around me and try to see them how they are. I know how I can be sometimes but that is me. I know that I can make myself not be a way but that will be detrimental to me. Every one have an aspect of their personality that needs changing. Some can change quickly and some might take years and discipline to change. Part of living on this earth, is accepting people for the way they are and not the way you want them to be. why do some people don't let people be themselves.

Mystery of a crush

I was thinking about crushes that I have liked. I, however, don’t like to use the word “crush”. To me, it feels like you putting yourself on a person. Weighing them down with all the special attention, with all the compliments and with all the flirting. I like to say “I just have a thing for him”. You may wonder why I used to word “thing”. I used it because I know myself. I know that there are guys that I like from a distance. They don’t know that you like them. There are some guys though, when they find out you like them, you start to see the flaws. All the ass-ness in them comes out. It then makes you wonder what were you thinking. Making you lose that thing that they had that made you interested.

Happy Birthday

happy birthday

to me!!!!

20 years old

today!

Old Age

old age is creeping up on me in a slow fast pace. i am getting older. no more teenage days. now i have to play the role of being an adult. i still will however act childish if i want, comb my hair childish if i want. tomorrow will be my birthday. August 22 will be 20 years in live by God's grace on this earth.

For Expression

I love to watch def poetry. I love it because I get to see people express themselves through powerful words. I love expression because it don’t have to be a tear or a smile. Expression is a sigh, a word, a phrase, a sentence, a dialogue, a movie, a song, a painting. It is anything that emotion can be driven from and into. Expression shows freedom. A freedom I wish and longed for.

This and That

This is an expression,
Expression of my time.
Time spent to amuse myself,
Myself that is usually locked away.
Locked away in a room I built.
A room I built to make my thoughts.
My thoughts that I choose to share
Share with friends that I made.

That was my expression.
A time spent to make me happy.
A pleasure that I give to myself
Without the need of anyone or anything.
I am, now lighter of a few thoughts
Making my body relax
And feeling relief that can only
Be treasured by someone like me,
And many others like you.

Envy In All Colours

I know that everyone wished that they were someone else once in their life or most days of their life. I know some people wish that they were taller, that they were that gifted, or that they were more like everyone else. I know it is wrong to be envious but it is, I guess, part of human nature to envy something.
Every thinks these things either secretly or publicly. Everybody voice their thoughts, theirs, their dreams, their hopes un all different ways. Some people impress others and some are afraid to be seen.
It makes you wonder, though, if you really aren’t satisfy with yourself, if you so wish that you wasn’t you, if you had the choice, besides plastic surgery, to have someone else’s features and life, would you choose it? Would you be happy? Really, if you had the choice would you take it.

love is ...

what is love? can anyone really explain this to me. i do not want any fairy tale or movie descriptions of love. descriptions of love like:

"butterflies in the stomach"

"head spinning"

these decsriptions can also be identified with lust. now, lust is a more common feeling than love which people are more experienced with. yes, i would say that love is a feeling but how can you really identified it within you and your loved one. some people have lusted after some one, knows this, but still say "ilove you". if love is the most common used word, then that means that it has lost of its meaning. i would believe that.

it having many couples that claim to love each other and after one agrument you can see the real feelings. so i ask again. what is love?

Relief Came

i have made my changes especially to my bedroom and i am feeling more relaxed. i have been listening to more rnb more than ever, so i guess i have no reason but be relaxed. I got this in an email the other day. Read and enjoy.

Words

The Most Selfish One-Letter Word
"I"
Avoid It

The Most Satisfying Two-Letter Word
"WE"
Use It

The Most Poisonous Three-Letter Word
"EGO"
Kill It

The Most Used Four-Letter Word
"LOVE"
Value It

The Most Pleasing Five Letter Word
"SMILE"
Keep It

The Fastest Spreading Six-Letter Word
"RUMOUR"
Ignore It

The Hardest Working Seven Letter Word
"SUCCESS"
Achieve It

The Most Enviable Eight-Letter Word
"JEALOUSY"
Distance It

The Most Powerful Nine-Letter Word
"KNOWLEDGE"
Acquire It

The Most Essential Ten-Letter Word
"CONFIDENCE"
Trust It

friends and friends

i never know it was so easy to promote and demote a friend. i didn't not throw my friend away but it seems as if she did that to me. we used to be called sisters and was seen everywhere together. now, these days, she behaving just as her brother used to do my brother. i guess it runs between them both. i have not thrown her away but i am not going out of my way to let her know i am still here. cause she knows. when she needs something, or something done, she finds me.

Update to the post - a set of shit.

there have been some resolutions.

a set of shit

a nice night of hanging out was turned into a set of shit. i wish i could share with you this situation but it isn't my business to tell though it is close to home. i know was sleepy at one point but i just can't sleep now. i hate this situation. it is making me sad and i can't take this shit.

Just Wanted To Type

i am here just listening to some music that i haven't listen to in a while. it is raining outside and my bedrooms is looking just cozy. lastnight, everyone was hanging out and we started drinking. some guy was going somewhere for a while so he wanted to drink. i was drinking to but not much because i don't like those kind of beers.

so today, i doing a little downloading. i am making my desktop and mouse pretty. it is a cursorskin. i download this thing, i had it before. it is really nice and the very nice thing about it is that i can turn it off when it disturbing me.

i also have this mp3dancer that used to dance when the music starts. it have been a while since i let them dance. any how, i am looking for some cool stuff to download. well, whoever likes to glance their eyes to my blog, can you tell me some cool sites to go to? thanks. (^_^)

Not Any More

Yes fellow bloggers, I am at a stage and age in life where no-one can easily influence my behaviour, my reactions to peoples or what I should like. I have respect for myself and I know who I am and what I am about to just change myself. I used to before, a long time ago, hide myself. well, not any more.

Found My Name

I, once, didn't have a name
In this world people love to hate.
I search through my thoughts,
My dreams, my hopes and goals.
Soon I found
My precious me.
This me, help me to smile
At my mistakes, cry at my failures
And appreciate my life.
This me that is in me
Give me a name.
A name that I love.
A name that is Josanne.

Thinking A Thought

ok. now this is a post just to pass time. it is 12:18am and i have to presentations in the morning for human resource management. i got all my index cards written out and my hang bag packed.

anyhoo, i was thinking there is a different between liking a song and liking a group. and that is true? i could like a song but not the group. for example, i like avril lavigne music. anything she sings, i can appreciate. but i like this song "zombie" from cranberries i think. i dont like anything else.

I Wish I Could ...

a person shouldn't have regrets but a someone cannot help but have regrets. I regret some things, not "heavy-burden-on-your-chest" regrets but "i-wish-i-did-that" regrets. my regrets deal more about boys and certain sports or karate. i wish i used to do back flips and cartwheels. i wish i knew how to beat up somebody besides a guy. with a guy, all you need is a good chance to hit in the balls. and to hit hard and he should be down for the count. but for girls, some like to do the wild swing hand thing. so how i go run in with this girl swinging like a mad man.

but if i did karate i would want to train with the weapon staff. it don't really involve in the face contact. i would like to do a self defense class or something. learn how to flip some one on their back and kick them and run. (^_^)

I Sense A Change

i am seeing, a change is coming for me. i need to do things a little different and change stuff around me. stuff like my curtains, my shoes and pictures that surround me.

well today i had to make a change in the type of shoes i wear. i bought a slipper bought close to two weeks ago. not to long ago and that shoes isn't good. the heel in it bends when i walk and i couldn't find the receipt to carry it back. but i got over that as i know i would have bought another so i decided to put it off for a while.
so, today was going on the mall with me friend when my foot felt suddenly free. i thought it was in my mind but i looked down i saw that my shoe strap burst. i had to buy a new one.
well i wanted a simple casual shoe that i could just slip on but i decided to listen to the little voice in my head that sounds like my mummy and buy a slipper with a back strap. so from now on, my casual slipper will be this high stepping shoe. i hope it dont make me cry.

Puzzle Pieces

for a couple to be a couple, they must fitted together like pieces from a puzzle. isn't that true? it makes no sense to be together if the vibes are too opposite. they do say opposites attract but still in those opposites you see a little bit of yourself. but what would you do if someone sees theirself with you but you can't see it? what is the nicest possible way to tell them that you and "whoever" that it not going to happen? to me, according to the way they are, is how you will tell them.

Just An Entry

yes, once again i am seeing myself in slow motion. i have nothing much to say for this blog, i just felt like making an entry before going and sleep. today, well looking at the time i should say yesterday, was surprisely a slow day but not dull. i wasn't really home but i just felt slow. i didn't even watch tv much, i played some music. i now why my day was slow. i spent the length of Love Don't Cost A Thing in the barbershop. i spent the length of a whole movie in the barbershop. i heard no gossip though. i wish i did. the movie was good but i wasn't interested. i was interested in food instead. me was hungry!

i saw I, Robot some days ago. Will Smith looked damn good, i mean, DAMN good, in the bathroom scene. he is one of my favourite actor.

beauty of candlelight

my brother likes scented candles. he has two and he give one to mummy. i was looking at them and he told me to put the blue in my room for a while. now, i don't know the scent of this one but it smells nice.

now, having this scented candle lit in my room i had to take off the light. the sentimental side of me had to come out. to me, candlelight is a synonym for romance. to have a dark room lit only by some candles is the setting for many sex scenes in movies.

so with this candle lit i was listening to some slow lovey songs, or just some slow speed songs. one of the songs is r. kelly, the greatest sex.

Just Too Much

I wrote this earlier in the day. I just want to share it now.

I was doing my school work and I had to stop and clear my head.

I am fed up of everything. I don't care even when I do care. These feelings, thoughts are not right for me. They surround my every other thought I am having. I can't help feeling like this. That everything won't be right.

I need a change in things and a hope of everything being better though it seems sh!tty.

I do believe that everything will work out for the better. I just can not make myself believe it right now. I hope i can find "hope". And early too.

Results to me

I did a quiz a time and this was my result:

You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend anyone could ever want to have and never want to loose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people & then you will be stress free.

I would like to believe that is me. The results not the character. (^_^)

Think, T~H~I~N~K

Well, I wonder if I have anything, at least something, to report.
Well, what did I do yesterday.
I did schoolwork. Surprising and shocking to me but I had to do it.
Well, what happen to me yesterday.
An ant bit me on my foot. So I killed it. Another, though, the ant friend tried to bite me but I caught the sucker.
These days I feel like I have no feelings. I feel numb. Like if I am just watching myself do everything. My thoughts are not even important. My mind is just totally blank and uninterested. I think that is why I am watching so much t.v and listen to music: as a way, not to have thoughts.
Can you imagine that? There was a time when my thoughts are what kept me sane and now I am afraid to have any. I am afraid that I will acknowledge more fears and doubts. I don’t want to feel weak so I choose to shut myself and clear my mind. I should learn yoga. Or I can just sit with my legs fold, put on a pure moods CD or Enya, say "Om". I try to make my brother do that a time. He just watched me as if I mad. But I was doing that to him for spite.
Have you ever experience a clear mind? Not thinking anything. It is weird. I might reach enlighten. :D
I am just silly people. Think nothing of it.
Let’s see if I can confuse you guys today.

To not think is to think of thinking that you wish you didn’t think what you thinking.

sleep is cute, sleep is mines

look at the time. it is at this moment, 3:00am and this detrymental angel is still up as usual. i have to wake up at 7:25am for a group meeting at 10:00am.
i was finishing typing up my parts for the project and i was typing a part a boy did. it was written gibberish. i started to steups and murmur a few bads words. we told him today what to write but i guess he wasn't listening all that clearly. four times we explain something to him. home here now, i realise it is something not said.

anyhoo, what did i do today. not much really besides school work. today, however, i realise that i would be home again this weekend. i might write a next newsletter but chances are that i wouldn't. i would watch alot of t.v. alot of mtv, vh1, b.e.t and the movies channels. i also watch the disney channels.

i think sleep is creeping up on me. i getting a slight headache and i am inly yawning. also surprisingly, i am hungry. but i am not going to eat anything. i will eat around 9:00am if i find the strength to crawl off the bed. i think i can already see it. i wouldn't. my bed is so sweet these mornings. well, it is 3:10am now. i ... am ... going ... and ... sleep. i will dream the dream of a dream that is a dream to be dreamed. (^_^) i might confuse some people with that.

anyhoo like i was saying, sleep is knocking on my door and he is cute so i am going to let him in.

post to post

well, i am posting just for posting sake i guess. i am listening to some music. rap music and watching vh1's most celebs beef. it going good. these days i am watching plenty of tv. i had promised myself that i wouldn't watch Andy Dick's Ass-istant, as according to him, but i had lied to myself. i find him annoying and but funny at the same time. i will watch his show. i know that if i had that chance to be his assistant i would never take it. i would lose my cool and cuss his ass.

but anyway, i am straying from a point. shocking, i found a point for my post. one of the beefs from the show was the avril lavigne and hilary duff fight. i like hilary movies, i don't want to hear her sing much. i love avril music. she can sing some good beautiful songs that a girl can identify with. i don't know if she starts acting if i would like it. but if she can act, i would like to see her in a movie. but to see them in a physical fight would be a big disadvantage for hilary. avril will beat, and i mean beat, her down. she would see smokey shouting, "you got knocked the fuck out!".

Improvement

Ok, my past few weekend have been quiet, but I didn't mind. I watch alot of t.v. and stayed out of my bedroom. Usually when I am on my computer i played only games cause I used to get bored or stucked in trying to do something. I surprised myself Saturday night by doing a newsletter. The newsletter was the same as my blog and I did a watermark and everything. I was having some bit of fun. I wouldn't believe that I was writing, or typing, something that I wasn't getting stuck with as I usually do. This was  my newsletter.
 

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Insanity is boredom related

Today, Josie slowly slipped in and out of her reality to only realise that the world that she had slip into, was worse.
Her depression, or boredom, as she calls it was brought on by having nothing to do even though she did chores around the house.
She sat home today watching television. A marathon of Bug Juice on the Disney Channel and wished she had a camp she could go to.
Besides losing her train of thought, believing that she was even thinking, Josanne decided on few list of songs that she will be choosing for her next CDs.
Being bored, Josie wrote a poem.

Where Am I

This world is leaving me
Though I haven’t left it.
Where can I be
If I don’t know myself.
A world where my future
Is approaching faster in my mind
Than in reality.
A world where I am surrounded
By many people and feel lonely.
A world where my fears
Are my only comfort,
My tears are my only joy.
"Why would I imagine this world?"
I would ask myself.
A world that I know is not my own.
Soon, my mind will leave this world,
And enter again, my sweet reality.
My sweet and sour reality
That I prefer.

Josie felt some relief after writing this poem. A thought of hers that had be weighing heavy on her mind and soul. She began again to listen to her music. I wishing that she could sing.
These are the dreams of a girl, of a young woman who had absolutely nothing to do and is unsure of how to occupy her time.
This is it for the daily, weekly, monthly issue of DeTrYmEnTaL Thoughts leaving you with this thought,
"Don’t disturb an angel that would call herself detrimental."
 

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

 
Like I said, I was proud that I did this much without getting stuck and bored. 
 

(^_^) (^_^) (^_^) (^_^) (^_^) (^_^)

Calling

Re-reading my thoughts showed me the mental place I was in at sixteen. By re-reading my diary, I felt to go back to this state.
 
Calling Of My Heart
 
My heart calls for
Someone it don't know.
The call is so strong
That I feel everyone can hear,
Everyone except for you.
My heart calls for you
Til it makes my eyes tears.
My heart calls for you
Till it makes my body aches.
I wish that one day
You will answer my heart call.
I hope that your call
Will sound louder than mines.
A call my heart is dying for.

Clarity is clear, Clarity is found

I have found that it is easier to write than to type.

Having read over thoughts and poems that I had wrote some years ago has gave me some form of relief and peace within myself. Reading over my happy thoughts made me smile and I felt good that I wrote down those thoughts when I did.

To he who doesn't know

I had a love for you.
I don't know if you knew
But I knew you could have guess.
I always smile when you were coming
Though we rarely spoke.
We, you could have said,
Danced around each other.
We sensed each other feelings
And we did, what we do best, nothing.
Now, years have passed.
Your face is still in memory
Though it is fading slowly.
I wonder where you are now
And I wonder if you would remember me.
I would, smile, as usual
When you are coming.
I hold a love for you.
A special piece of my heart
Just for my precious you.

That is for my crush though i know he might never read this. This was a follow-up to Thoughts of love.

From diary to blog 3

Standing outside looking up into the sky,
I saw a bird.
I thought, "That could be me!"
"Hey! That is me!"
I closed my eyes.

Flying high, soaring low
Feeling breeze under my wings.
I am free, at peace.
I open my eyes, I looked and saw a cat.

I thought, "That could be me!"
"Hey! That is me!"
I closed my eyes.
Licking my feet, rubbing my ears,
Purring softly and ever so sweetly.

I open my eyes.
See, I live in a fantasy world,
I am everything and I can be anything.
You think my enemy can say, "You are a fool!"

Hey, I will turn myself into a cricket bat,
And beat that fool.
Addres me as queen,
This is my world.
You may call it Rome.
You know the saying.

Let me dream for all I know
I could be a dream.
A dream that someone else is having.
Someone like ME.
Someone like YOU.

From diary to blog 2

I am currently listening to Nasty Grind by Adina Howard. It is a very beautiful songs. I am listening to slow jams kinda songs. It is relaxing my mind, body and soul.

Beauty on general

Have you ever look at something and try to capture its beauty.
Then you look at it only remembering the beauty you saw;
But there is a part in you telling you can only see it originally,
In its true form.
And you feel that you can not capture it on paper, pictures.
Only in image and thought.
Many have succeed on capturing some of its beauty,
But knows to themselves that it is not perfect.
Well, this is how I treat life.
I hold on to beauty of life
For as long as I can.
For life is worth living.
I need to see all of life beauty.
And if not all,
Most of it.

From diary to blog

When I was younger, I kept a diary like most people. I did a little searching in my room and found it. These thoughts that I read over were written when I was sixteen and seventeen years old. Here is one:

The thoughts of love

Sometimes I wish I could just say what
I feel in my heart;
The thoughts of his smile I keep in my mind
Along with images of kissing him.
Sometimes I wish he would just say upon me
That he like me;
Take my hand in his and squeeze it
And come down on my lips gently and smooth.
Fill my dreams with his body being next to mine.
I wish all these things, but I know to myself
That I will not act upon it;
Nor will he.
All I have is dreams of his lips on mine's,
His hands on my face and on my thigh,
But truly to have his hands in my hands will
Satisfy me even of it for only
One single moment...
Sometimes I wish that.

This poem was about my first and only long-lasting crush. He is the reason why I like guys with certain features, like tall and with canerows or dreadlocks.

Passages

I was kind of doubting myself tonight, so I look up my New Testament.

Hebrews
Chapter 11
Verse 1 - 3

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.
By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.

These verses brought some comfort to me.

I got my exam today.

My Usual Bullsh!t

hello, my peeps. feeling a bit wildish. i dont know why. i guess it is cause i am hungry or just a bit crazy. (^_^). today was a waste day and i dont feel like learning or even attempt to try to learn.

i have an exam. not a medical exam, but an educational one. it is cost and management accounting. it is on wednesday evening. it is a dreaded, stupid subject. i fail it the first time so have to, i mean, must pass.

i went and see Mean Girls the other night. it was really funny. it exceed my expectations. i also watched this called Shottas. this was a movie made in Jamaica i believe. this also was very good. excellent is what i should.

on a special note, i just have to say this:

trinidad is having a shortage of cute men.

just playing, but a point in time there really wasnt any to be found.

My Career Inventory

My type is: ISFJ

Introverted (I) 51.35% Extroverted (E) 48.65%
Realistic (S) 58.06% Imaginative (N) 41.94%
Emotional (F) 51.43% Intellectual (T) 48.57%
Organized (J) 51.61% Easygoing (P) 48.39%

You are a Guardian, possible professions include - counseling, ministry, library work, nursing , secretarial, curators, bookkeepers, dental hygienists, computer operator, personnel administrator, paralegal, real estate agent, artist, interior decorator, retail owner, musician, elementary school teacher, physical therapist, nurse, social worker, personnel counselor, alcohol/drug counselor.

Some of those professions look interesting.

Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test

Sorting Out

I really like the group New Found Glory. I am listening to some of their old songs and newer sounds and i like them alot.

It is nice to have something, if not someone, to bring some form of comfort to your well-being. I like my blog. Having a blog is new to me but not unfamiliar. I have a diary at MyDearDiary to record my thoughts, my rantings and my usual bullsh!t.

My mood for the day was somewhat mellow. I hardly did anything. Wait I lie. I did nothing at all. I watch t.v. and play music. The rain just kept falling today. But I like the rain. It slows down things and makes everything looks gloomy.

I dont know where I am these days. I feel lost.

Boredom is a byatch!

Yes, look at the time and I am still awake. For what reason I really dont know.

I was watching, I believe, Terminator 3 on t.v. For an action movie, it some funny parts. The fight between them in the bathroom was funny. He breaking a sink on her back and dunkinb her in the toilet was jokey. This the only time that a man and woman would fight and nobody would say that it is domestic abuse.

But in the case of the fight on the movie "Jackass", I felt sorry for the guy. That kickboxer girl would have beaten him until he cry.

I am going and sleep these days too late. That is not good. But my thing is that "sleep late, wake up late, most of the day would go, therefore would be less boredom". (^_^) Silly? I know. But where I live is just too quiet sometimes.

But today is Friday. Maybe, I might go out. It is the weekend. This Saturday is our school's sports day but I am not going. Our campus had to wear red. I feel everyone would party more than play any sports because they said to bring your coolers.

My leo love-scope

i did this love-scope, Mystic Nights - Love Scope website

this is how leos Love Potential are rated against the other signs.

Leo and Capricorn - Warm
Leo and Sagittarius - Warm
Leo and Scorpio - Frosty
Leo and Libra - Sizzling
Leo and Virgo - Cool
Leo and Leo - Red Hot!
Leo and Cancer - Red Hot!
Leo and Gemini - Red Hot!
Leo and Taurus - Warm
Leo and Aries - Warm
Leo and Pisces - Cool
Leo and Aquarius - Warm

my ex-boyfriend was a Virgo that explains why I was bored with him. Lol. Well, it shows that I have to find a boyfriend with a sign that equals to Red Hot. But cant guarantee a happy, trusting relationship.

Reality

i dont know what to do and say these days. i feel a little bit torn out, a little bit tired and a lot of boredom.

i am a dreamer. i am dreaming of this life that i know i want and believe that i wouldnt get. i realise this through the reality of my real world. i know very well my limitations and i abide by them.

but i dream at night of my alter world where my limitations can be determined by me. dreams that feel so real that i awake believing that it is true.

a simple intro

My name will be defined as

detrimental (say detri-ment-t’l) adjective, harmful or damaging

I am, on the other hand, not so harmful or damaging. I am just an angel pretending to be a devil. I am 5'7"(or a little bit shorter; I know, it is sad that know my own height), slim body and brown skin. I am attending COSTAATT (you don’t know it) and suppose to be graduating sometime after August this year with an Associate Degree in Business Management. I am friendly to those who are friendly to me. I am always willing to make a friend. Overall, I am a easygoing person.

I am as I said before, an angel... with a mischievous smile. I am a quiet person that likes to have fun and is always smiling. Or I smile when I have reason to. I am not a grinning fool. I am a leo and I love to be creative. I do have a problem of expressing my self, my thoughts and my feelings. This site has help me to be comfortable with myself. I love listening to music and i like doing quizzes.