My mental state

Well to start off, I recently went on a recall. Imagine, I went on a recall for a training that I have never been on. There I was to do a skit, but I hate to be placed "on de spot", so it was very dry and it came off "don't care-ish", which I normally reflect. Well most times. But working in a position where I deal with the general public, I am told that I am very courteous and friendly with my customers. But when I did the skit, they told me that I didn't really connect with my customer, but I was catching my ass pretending to be in front of a computer searching for info. Again, I couldn't care less.

Now, this seem to be my tag line for the past few days, maybe even weeks - "I couldn't care less". During one of several monitoring with my supervisor, where we discuss our performance, she describe me as flippant. It was the first time hearing that word but I didn't ask what it meant, but I knew it was something that I would "steups" about. But first, I will try to re-enact how the word was use.

Start Scene
Me: Well, I understand all of that, but I don't want to seem like if I "don't care" or rushing the customer off.
Supervisor: Well, I know, and at times you may seem a little flippant. But that is what you will have to do to meet the goals.
End scene.

But this was weeks ago and only tonight I looked up the meaning. Surprisingly, I didn't make me vex or "steups". Instead, I found that it was funny.

Flippant - having a quick tongue; saucy; disrespectful.

I laugh because that is not me. When I am in my "couldn't care less" mood, I don't even talk back. I prefer not to respond. Yes, it may seem rude, but it is less disrespectful than what I might say.

So for the past few weeks, I have adopted my "couldn't care less" attitdue to my work. I mean, I still go everyday and give the best that I can from me, but I am not doing that at the expense of my mental health. I believe that since I am working there, I am under stress. So I need to find ways, to just relax my mind and my body. I told one of my co-workers recently, "When I say 'I am tired', I don't mean my body. I mean mental tiredness."

But I feel after all is said and done, I believe I will be one of the few to actually stay. I am on contract. I just finish school a year before I believe. So far, I am working a year and six months. But I can't see myself going back to school as yet as I like making my own money to be independent. But I haven't made a year as yet with this job. But since I have been working there, I have never said I liked it. Even when people ask, I respond by saying, "Well... I getting money."

So, to relax I am going to listen to music like I am mad, crochet up a storm and start back to read. I need to lose myself somewhere to win back clarity for my life and future.