The promise I will make

I wrote this the day after. It had many things that was in my head. So I took down my broom and my duster. I sweep my thoughts together but needed more room and that wall needed to come down. Third entry was:

"I am a good actress to others. I can make them believe and feel things that is not true. However, I cannot fool myself. For nothing, I can not put myself in an illusion of something not true. I tell my friends that I am looking for a boyfriend, but I am really looking for a soul mate. I want to find my guy now. I feel my body, mind and soul searching for him everyday. My eyes are open, my love, just to glimpse you. My ears are open to hear your whisper. My hands are out to feel your gentle caress. I will make promises to you and wishes of you. I will love. True to my heart I will always love you. I wish one day to have you read my thoughts over. This way you can understand me and my ways. I believe you are the key. You can free the rest of me. The most beautiful part of me. My heart is wanting to be open. Read the journal of me thoughts and understand me. Be my guide and mate. Be for me, and love me always."

Time to be free

I made this entry right after the first one. I was just thinking of me and the way I am.

"I hate how shy and reserved I can be. I hold myself back from so many good experiences, it makes me sad. But, still I can not seem to break out of my shell, It is made of a material that only the I love can break, I am scared that I might not find him, or he might not find me, or that we will pass each and don't even realise our fate, I long to break free, and wish that I do it myself. But if I was different, and did things when I wanted, I would have been free by now."

True from my heart

I have gotten in the habit of writing towards a person of thinking about. It helps clarify my inner thoughts when I feel I said my piece to an imaginery them. Lust is a funny thing. Having crushes is the worse but it is life. My journal was:

"True from my heart. Let me speak to you a moment. Let us converse for a moment that will be real for the both of us. I have something to tell you. I have always seen you. And, I know that you didn't see me. But that didn't sadden me. I felt drawn to you for reasons I did not know. I had only now seen you, and knew that I like you. Being as shy as I am, I didnot approach you much and hardly said anything. Our friendship started as a pure accident. A mistake that I was glad to make, or else I really wouldn't have known you much. Every time I see you I smile.

Only three people know that I liked you, and that was too many. I don't like my feelings to be known, especially when I can be hurt by them. I also found out that you have a girlfriend. I am not shocked by this, as most good guys are always taken. I also found out that you also like somebody else. This I really didn't want to know, but my friend thought it best I do. But I cannot let that change my feelings for you. One of my friends feels that you are attracted to me. I believe you see me as good friend. A sister even. Just somebody cool.

But I cannot and will not be made at you. You are not aware of my feelings. I am not going to let anything change. My feelings are my burden and my blessings. Knowing you will be good for me. I dont know what the future will lead to. Our relationship is only now growing. But I like you. An attraction that I am proud of and cherish. Be close to me all times. These feelings are true from my heart."

End of entry

Well finally

Well finally, I broke down my writer's concrete block wall. So, I made some entries in my Journal one night before I went and sleep. I am now going to share them with.

Wishes, Only Wishes

As much as I say I am happy with myself and the way I am, there are still alot of things that I wish for that I can do. I admire people that can do martial arts, play a musical instrument or who can sing. I have never been in physical fight but a few verbal fights. Believe me, this quiet girl can cuss very stink if provoked. But I wish I can do some back flips and kick people. Do splits and punch. But I can not do those movie stuff. But if ever in a fight, I know I am hitting hard and hitting where it hurts. I going for everything. I love to see people make beautiful music with any kind of musical instrument. Especially the piano. I see that instrument as being elegnant and serene. And to be able to sit and be at peace and play a beautiful lullaby, just makes me pause. I wish to be that serene for just a moment.

Sledge-hammer

I had so many things to post about to come and sit in front of my computer, and have writer's frigging concrete block. So many things was bothering me that I can't place in words of any kind. I don't really like to just post about myself as in what I did for the day. Well not usually. I generally like to have a topic. So I am hoping with my hands typing away, a sledge-hammer will knock down that frigging wall.

So I am trying some new things for this year. Since, the glasses is gone and I am wearing contacts, I loose out my plaits and comb my hair (for the time being). Everyone was surprise with my new look. A bit too surprised but a little change is always good. So, I am also working on a new attitude though nothing is with it. I am just working on being more open with myself to people. And also to give strange guys a chance. I hope you know what I mean. Not to judge them too quick.

Anyhoo, I can't wait to get paid. I already have things that I want to buy. Here is my lovely list:

1. A cute work shoe
2. Some music cds
3. Some Hair accessories
4. A work pants and 2 shirts. The tighter kind. The more relaxing kind.
5. Jeans and 2 new tops and underwear

And of course, I got to save at least $400 and pay a bill, so that first before any spending. Now that was really my wish list because after I did that, I realise I forgot my printer needed fixing and I needed some computer programs and probably memory.

Well, for all the type I had type, that sledge-hammer did not one thing. So I will need to get some dynomite. Boom!!!!!