DetrymentaL Thoughts: Josie's Rants

A new outlook

2008-05-19T17:43:00.002-04:00

I think this cupboard is full now. I am not ranting no more. I looking for clarity. Bottling up aint making no frigging sense, so before I explode on someone who deserves it, and then they get more that is needed, I shall type again. So my new thoughts can be found that http://mytrueclarity.blogspot.com/

Stand-still yet moving

2007-09-16T03:07:00.000-04:00

I meet Eric Jerome Dickey on Friday at a book signing. I he signed "Waking With Enemies" for me. It was a cool experience. Nothing big to report. I love his books but my friend is the true fanatic.

These days I have my mind in a stand-still. I did that because I kept running over the same problem, the same situation. I made my peace with it or so I thought, but whenever I stop, my mind just went right back to it. Sometimes that happens because I didn't get to speak my mind. It is sad but how I handle it was like a true champ. I am too mature. Maybe. I am just too mature. I am too quiet. I am too reserved.

I prefer to watch you with a smile.

Problems, But not mine

2007-08-27T23:40:00.000-04:00

I have a friend that is going through some things with an ex. I have a theory of what is happening, but I don't want to be involve. I will explain some other time. I got a sleep-headache right now.

I envy

2007-08-19T19:55:00.000-04:00

What I envy most is a strong relationship. I have none no where in my life. I can admit it knowing it is the truth. I have no one to be close. No one to talk to when my mind is troubled. I always have to resort to myself. I am not about to blame other people, I built that wall. But at least, I thought my relationship with my mom could be better. It seems that I always have the courtesy of sugarcoating myself, when others don't do that for me. Part of the reason why I built that wall.

I envy movies that shows a strong relationship between friends, parents or even lovers. I envy movies where the lead character comes to a strange place and become their own person. I wonder if I can find that strength. I would like to try though. I wonder who feels they know me completely. I always surprise people by doing things for them, but I feel happy to give. So I am on a search to built a strong relationship.

Sweet poems

2007-07-23T22:59:00.000-04:00

Fading Away Love

When roses wither...
My tears begin to flow.
When roses wither...
And the leaves fade
To yellow and brown,
Will I still be strong?
When roses wither...
And thorns of that stem
Grew harder and tougher,
Can I still smile?
When roses wither...
And the red sweet petals
Blow off into the wind,
Would I still find comfort?
And the becoming cold
Touches my body and bed,
Will I stop crying?
When roses wither...
Where can I find you besides
In a black and white photo
Sleeping below my pillow?
When roses wither,
When roses fade,
How am I to love again
When you are no longer near.

Josie for you

2007-06-24T11:55:00.000-04:00

Have you guys ever seen me? Well here's me!

Poetrry, I love it

2007-06-24T11:40:00.000-04:00

Don't Test Mama

Well, look at them.
No longer respecting my beauty.
I was once held in high esteem.
Painted in pictures in my true suit.
Now, only a few show love
To this gracious queen.
But not enough to hold my sanity.
I will one day
Take back all that was mines.
My seas will roam
Where they were once banned.
And trees will sprung higher
Than any building along this pitch road.
I will be once again
Treated will all authority.
I am after all, Mother Nature.

Just popping in

2007-05-26T16:37:00.000-04:00

What is left to write. Everyone has written about everything imaginable under the sun, so what is left. The only thing I know somewhat completely is my life. My life. My stories, my hopes, dreams and fears. I am glad to know that I can make certain statements, but has the control to hold my tongue.

I used to call myself "Piggy Bank Of Secrets". I used to take deposits, never did any withdrawals. Only if that account that reach its limit. That bank is still in operation but I am more selective of my clientile.

i love a poem

2007-05-13T19:22:00.000-04:00

We all then I

We all enter into this world
With a knowledge
Of the understanding of this Universe.
Then we all lost that knowledge
Before we understood its purpose.
Now we all search for a knowledge
That we want and need for
Our daily mental survival.
We all know what knowledge we seek.
I seek the knowledge to know
What to cry over,
What to worry over,
What is truly important for life.
I seek this knowledge everywhere I am.
My eyes searched the bluest and grey skies.
I have read the clouds like the words
In my treasured books.
I have held the stem of a leaf
Between my fingers
And felt the water run down my hands.
I seek for this everyday
While the breeze blow at the trees.
I have faith that I will
Find the knowledge I seek.
I have the faith that we all will.

Lovely Poem Time

2007-04-20T19:44:00.000-04:00

My smile is a lock.

Why be fooled with my smile?
I will smile with you,
Just not to be rude to you.
But don't think I am fooled.
I know you are being rude to me.
Why be fooled with my smile?
Look past my subtle reactions,
And deep into my thoughts.
You will see the reason
Why I smile so sweetly.
You didn't cause me any pain.
To be specific, any heartbreak pain.
Only showed me alot of disrespect.
But my smile is used as a lock.
For my thoughts and words can slice
Deeper than any sword can reach.

Wow, poem

2007-04-14T11:24:00.000-04:00

Whirlwind

Why do you insist on
Being a whirlwind in my life.
Why must everything
Throw crazy about,
And then fall anywhere.
Why not be a strong breeze,
That why you know
Where things land,
And what was done.
But, no, you insist on being
This big, fricking whirlwind.
Well I hope you know,
The damage that was done
To my lonely fragile heart.

Just have to say it

2007-04-14T11:12:00.000-04:00

Some people are just fucking cunts. Enough said.

Just Breathing Update

2007-04-12T00:52:00.000-04:00

These days, well, weeks, I have been a bit sad. Not the weeping and crying all the time sad, but nonetheless, sad. I have felt a small depression deep within me for some things but, I am trying to make myself believe it is all in my head. I don't know if anyone has notice me but, I don't care if they do.
I have been sad but also happy. Right now, I am very hungry. And my thoughts patterns can not hold while my belly is screaming at me. I will continue later.

Hear, I mean, read a poem

2007-03-12T22:20:00.000-04:00

Friendship To Grow

I don't want my mind
To dream, unless
Our feelings are true and sync.
I wouldn't dwell
On what our future
Might be years from now.
But I will wish for
Our friendship to grow
Stronger for tomorrow onwards.
I will fight each day
To realise the reality I am in.
I will each day,
Be thankful for the friendship
That was generously given
From you to me.

Say Poem

2007-03-03T00:30:00.000-04:00

I Prefer

I know how to lie,
To show mirror feelings
But I prefer to hurt.
I know how to touch,
Caress and feel like love,
But I prefer to hurt.
I know how to smile,
Sweet and shy, forever blushing
But I prefer to hurt.
I prefer to hurt you
With the truth of real emotions.
Not to fool with shy smiles,
And gentle touches.
I prefer to hurt you now
So that you can move on.

Pissing Me Off

2007-02-21T20:41:00.000-04:00

You know, I never had some one disrupt my soul before. Disrupt my mental thoughts and cool being. I feel mean and spiteful, but I have to make a point. I am sorry for everything now, but it will have to be done. Honestly, nothing bad is done to me but I still feel mentally rape. Emotions are rising in me that signals that I am not mentally stable. I am asking for patience and I am being patient. But, my lips can not be lock. You know, I hate my cool, calm-being disrupted.

Happy Love-Sharing Day

2007-02-14T01:48:00.000-04:00

I always like to think of a world where we are given our soul mate's info on a post-it. As soon as we have reach that age, it would have be deliver to guys. I would make life easier. Well, at least the love life would be easier. So, this my valentine poem.

Do you have my post-it.

Do you have my post-it.
I receive one today.
It was stuck to my door.
It told me what
To look for today, but
It is still a bit vague.
It reads generous,
Calm, loving and funny.
Carries a beautiful heart,
A strong mind and
A deep, quiet soul.
I know what to search for,
But, do you know
What to look for today.
By chance, I want to know,
Do you have my post-it.

Silly Me

2007-02-10T19:31:00.000-04:00

I am capable of doing some silly things somethings. My friends says that "I take in" but I am not crazy. No, umm, no. No, I am not crazy. There is nothing wrong in being silly. Let's you remember that you can be and feel as young as you want. There is no sense in always looking and acting grumpy or cranky. Whenever I am in that mood, people knows that something has to wrong. I am not saying you can smile 24hrs in the day. Because, 8 of those hours are suppose to be dedicated to sleep, then another 2 or 3 is put aside to traveling to and from work, and then 7, more or less is spent in work. So, I am while you are moving around in the non-sleeping world, things will happen to cause a frown.

I try to make things around me light and happy most of the times. So, I am doing my part to make smiles in the world. So, Valentine's Day is coming. And I don't have any one really to spent it with, so I got alot of love to give. So guess who is getting my love. You guys are! I knew that you already knew that though.

So, let's make that day happy and loving.

What, huh, what

2007-01-21T20:53:00.000-04:00

What is it that I am trying to say Too many thoughts are being stored away in my minds. Thoughts about life, relationships, career and friends. I wonder if I can do some cleaning of my mind now. I will talk about relationships, because believe or not, it is the simplest one right now.

1. I got no one special for me right now. It had a guy that liked me, but I have reach a point where whenever I think of him, I get angry. So, he ain't go ever happen. I wouldn't start a relationship with someone who I know I will constantly fight with. That is not my purpose of being in a relationship with someone.

2. Career. I don't really know what I want to do. Well, I kinda lie there. I like several fields, fo example, computers, art, poetry writing, literature. I thought about graphic design, I must look into this. I can draw what I see but I can not create. I wouldn't survive as a novelist, at least that is what I think. I will start a story, and then complete it in my mind.

3. I am working on keeping and forming life long friendships these days.

4. Life, is the hardest of them all, where all other thoughts are tie to. I hope to live a simple and happy life. That much I know.

Poem I Say

2007-01-18T11:35:00.000-04:00

free me

i am feeling it deep within.
twisting and turning,
trying to get out.
only trying to escape,
but cannot free itself.
lost inside this deep void,
my thoughts and emotions lie sad.
sad by the fact,
that i can not control their order.
restless they are to be free,
but i can not let them out yet.
it is not time for their freedom
to be voiced from my lips.

Quiz Result

2007-01-10T23:36:00.000-04:00

My World

2007-01-03T20:16:00.000-04:00

I have things to say, but I have trained myself so well to keep it in,
that I can only let a little out at a time. It is sad, isn't it. Well,
it is the world I know. We have a beautiful love/hate relationship that
has lasted for years. The only change that can be done to my world has
to be slow and subtle. A few surprises can slip in, but I wouldn't
allow drastic changes. When I speak of changes, I mean, changes that I can
make, things I can control. Shall I describe my world. Well the main
room is my bedroom, where I do most of my reflecting. Then when you
step out of the door, and walk down a corridor full of my memories, sad and
happy, leads to a big beautiful garden. This garden is my favourite
place. It is full of tall trees, that blocks just the right amount of
sun. You can walk about if you want. When you walk down the stone path
in the garden, it will fork into two paths. The left path where the
stones are a peridot shade, where on the leaves of the plants you will
see my dreams, it leads to a wondrous waterfall. The right path where
the stones are carnary shade, where the pink flowers shows my hopes,
leads to a desk where most of my thoughts are made. But in the lake
where, that beautiful waterfall falls, reflects all my fears. This is
my world. As quiet as can be, as colourful as can be. As the wind blows,
you can hear my favourite songs traveling through the garden.

Poem Poem

2006-12-31T20:36:00.000-04:00

As Moments Pass

I stood there, confused.
Only one word I thought
As I stared at my hands.
He sat on a chair,
Away from me.
I am glad he is not close,
But he can be further.
Just one hour ago,
I loved him to the end of time.
Just a half hour ago,
He shared a heart-breaking secret.
Just fifteen minutes ago,
Our love was changed completely
And now, just one minute ago,
I decided to stop loving him,
And to leave him to
His world of heart-breaking secrets.

Tid-bits

2006-12-30T22:40:00.000-04:00

A year has passed by. I not much to report for this quiet year. I made some resolutions last year. I didn't stick to it as i wanted but i still did something.

I have no idea what is in store. I know i have to start taking some more control in my life making things happen. I am working on it.

Poem Poem

2006-12-28T20:43:00.000-04:00

My Lying Eyes

He stood there staring into my eyes.
Deep into my eyes, searching for the truth.
I kept looking at him, but I said nothing.
Then he took my hand and spoke,
"I know that you love me.
I can see it in your eyes.
The seed of love has planted
And is growing tall through your limbs."
I listen to his speech with a smile on my lips.
I am happy that he love me so.
And that he can love me so strongly.
But his loving face will change
If he knows my eyes are lying.

Poetry Post

2006-12-13T23:06:00.000-04:00

Challenges of Love... err, Life

Some people are fortunate.
Their perfect others
Were always a stone throw away.
But others have to search.
Others like me, that
Believe my half is just,
Hopefully, around the corner,
In the store or in the bus.
Why is love, I mean, life,
Forgive me, is so hard.
Why not, when we reach
Adult age given a post-it
With our perfect others info.
Why weren't we given
Matching bracelets, or something.
Just anything, to make it simpler.
Then love, I mean,life
Wouldn't be so hard.

I like this result

2006-12-04T23:41:00.000-04:00

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Poetry Time Again

2006-12-04T20:51:00.000-04:00

Lost In Thoughts

Falling deeper and deeper.
Into my thoughts,
That opening my eyes
I don't recognize my reality.
Nothing familiar, but yet everything
Is still the same.
With closed eyes
I reach the bottom
Of my sad my thoughts.
I feel my emotions
Rising through my body
Beginning to choke my heart
And squeeze my lungs from breathing.
As my eyes open,
Tears escape to roll quickly
Down to my neck
To be lost in my clothes.
I am angry I cannot control
My feelings, but my thoughts,
It wouldn't stop
Til it is expressed.

T.V. is good

2006-11-09T00:35:00.000-04:00

I was watching a show on Lifetime a morning. On a espiode of "Still Standing", the wife wanted the husband to write her letter she would find if he was dead, and vice versa. So I thought of one that I would write. It goes something like this:

Dear honey,
You wanted us to share something of our life together. I know there were times that we didn't agree on things. But to my memory, those wer small times. The biggest moments, were of our love. We were always laughing when there were no joke, and sharing sweet gentle caresses while watching t.v. But, honey, the most I will miss will always be you. You was my love. My symbol for our love was always you. I love you. Be strong, honey.
Bye.

Ever Heard Me Ramble?

2006-11-08T22:07:00.000-04:00

I have renewed my love of reading. I love fictional books. I love anything that follows my mind to travel to places unknown to me. I bought a book yesterday. It is called "Sex, lies and online dating" by Rachel Gibson. It is interesting.

I also did some reading on meanings of dreams and some things from Edgar Cayce. But you can not really relaxing with books like that.

I love blushing for the character and laughing with them. I hardly cry though. Not even hardly, I don't cry. Well I can't remember at this moment.

Besides reading, I love to watch movies. Especially karate movies. I like I tell my friends. I can't do those things so, I watch them and dream. Recently, I had watched Ong Bak, Ong Bak 2, Drunken Monkey and Azumi. I love Ong Bak.

I must promise myself to learn how to defend myself from attacks. That would be cool when the bandit didn't suspect that miss-nice-walk can grab you by the arm and fling you over her back. And I will kick you while you are down. I would love to learn Tai Chi for meditation and Muay Thai for fighting. But Muay Thai is a dream, I know that.

I am listening to music alot these days. I am finally buying music again. From each cd that I listen to, there are songs that I listen to over and over.

Heather Headly - In My Mind
In my mind
Back when it was
What's not being said
Mary J. Blige - The Breakthrough
I found my everything in you
Take me as I am
Rob Thomas - ...Something To Be
Ever the same
When the heartache ends
Something to be
All that I am
Problem Girl
Shakira - Oral Fixation
How Do You Do
Pink - I'm Not Dead
Who knew
Long way to happy
Nobody knows
Dear Mr. President

Well, I finally think I am out of breath. Enough rambling for now.

What Sin You Think I Have?

2006-10-20T13:38:00.000-04:00

I am being approach these days about church. It has me feeling that those in work see me was a sinner. But I know it isn't that but, they keep asking me, "Josie, why didn't you go to church this Sunday." I have no problem with church, it is just that I prefer my home. I even bought a chaplet recently. A nice clear peridot colour chaplet. My goal is to say it at least once a day. I now I wouldn't get to say it every day but, my mom says to pray with atleast though.

Truth Or Dare: I mumbled "truth"

2006-10-07T00:07:00.000-04:00

Nikki question for me:

"What is the worst heartbreak you've experienced and who was the one who orchestrated it? Details requested please."

For my young years, I haven't placed myself in the position as yet to get my heart broken. I have though, broken a few hearts. But the closest I have gotten to heartbreak, would be for a recent crush I have for a guy name Lyndon. He's in a senior position higher than me in work. The first time I saw him, I liked him for the pretty factor. This boy, in my eyes, was fine! Then from getting to know him, I liked him for the playful factor that he has. He is overall a very caring and generous person. At times I used to think that he might like me for how he was always teasing me. But I have lead to believe this isn't so.

I have been told that he liked one of my past co-workers. Now, I believe he likes one of my good friend. I wanted to hint to him a time that I like him very much, but I afraid to do so. I even wrote a poem about him. I even showed it to him, but I lied to him when he asked who the person I was thinking about when I wrote. I am too afraid to say anything now. Maybe, whenever I leave that employment, so that way I wouldn't see him everyday if he doesn't share a tiny bit of feeling for me that way.

I know this wouldn't even compared to the most painful heartbreak, but it is still a strain on the heart.

Well...

2006-10-03T01:23:00.000-04:00

My mental health these days I will say is at a low. I am not depressed really but I am just blah. That is my feeling, I just feel blah. I here, but not really, becausemy mind is wishing and dreaming of somewhere better. But where we dream of, does it really exist? Can we make it exist?

It has been a while since I write anything true from my heart. I am allowing mysellf to be lost in a worl not of peace. I wish to make some changes but I am unsure how to go about it. I don't know what step to take towards education, career and love. I don't know how to trust; how to give my heart to someone; how to look and find love.
What am I to do with all these doubts with me? I am lost without a map of world of that is forever changing.

Nasty Friend

2006-09-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

These past few nights, I had some very curious dreams. I will tell you part of one I had lastnight. It involves two guys from my area that I don't talk to, and the friend that I post about some time ago. She is the friend that I have that only knows me when she wants something.

Well, in my dream, I had walk up to the top of my street where they were. I had these two dogs that came rushing up to me wanting to bite me. (Not big dogs) Luckily, I was able to fight off the dogs. But while I was fighting off the dogs, my friend did nothing and the guys didn't even call off the dogs. So after a little while, I told the guys to please call their dogs, which one of the guys did so. The dogs left me alone and I started to talk back down the road. I looked at them and they were smiling. Suddenly again the dogs rush me again. This time I was able to fight them off and keep them off. Then I looked at the guys and my friend and said, "Nasty Fuckers".

I remember that part of my dream so clear. I actually looked at my friend and curse. The other night before I slept I was thinking. Everyone has someone that they call their best friend. But since I was small, I was never able to give anyone that title. I feel so alone sometimes when it comes to friendship, not companionship, but friendship. Well atleast, I have good friends. But that dream, it will stay on my mind for a good while. I am even feeling to stop calling her a friend.

How can someone you grow up with just throw you aside like it is nothing?

This was a girl, that everyone thought we were sisters. They always saw us together but, I now see that I was a convenient friend. There for when she needs me. I understand that people can grow apart but still, that is something to me that is done over time. I don't text or call, or even visit her and we living on the same street. She had thrown me aside so, I stayed where I was thrown. She always finds me when she needed something done, but now, she has things in place where she can do that herself. I will just give her no reason to use me. That time is long gone.

Look past my expression

2006-09-01T20:19:00.000-04:00

I wonder if people understand me. I know that they don't and I know that they don't even try. At times, I can just fall so quiet and stay to meslef. All I want to hear is music around. Nothing else. I wish for two things in my life. One - Friendship like the girls on Sex and the City. Two - To find love that resemble a fairy tale. But as much as I will feel sad, I can not complain. My life is simple and quiet. Most days will past before something exciting finds its way to me.
I have been told before that "you have to happy yourself happy". I agree with that advice but I usually and always I have to go with someone else's time. Hang out when they want to. Most of the friends that have, well the girls, they got boyfriends, and they spend most of their time with their boos. I am happy for them. These friends always make sure that they have boyfriends, and I wasn't life that. I made a vow to myself that my next boyfried, I must have some real feelings for him. Nothing is going to be on whim like before.
Then the guys that hang out with me is cool. Few of the guys like me but they got girlfriends, and I don't do that cheating thing. If I don't know, well then. But dont tell me you have a woman... and child, and then say that you real like me and want a kiss. It will never happen.

But I still wonder, if people does look behind my eyes, and detect any kind of feelings. But then again, I can hide very good. I let them see what I want them to see. But the guy find I to love, better be able to read me like a frigging book. He better be able to make me free up. Cause I can, I am just keeping for him.

Ha ha. But I am saving some really good parts for him.

Back

2006-08-31T11:05:00.000-04:00

Well, I am back!! I am happy to be back to sleep in my own bed. My time there was cool, and quiet. I meet with a friend and hang out for a while. While I was there, I got a cool poem come to me, but I had no pen, so I shut it out for now, hoping come back to me. I went with my mom and we learned how to find a few places for our own. It is nice to be independent in an unfamiliar places. I dreading going back to work. I will miss my relaxation.

Well.. hmm

2006-08-23T09:09:00.000-04:00

Well my birthday was here. It was a simple and quiet day, which is how I usually spend my birthday. Now, my vacation has started and I will be going to the sister isle of Tobago. I wish I had something to report before I go, but nope, I don't. Anyhoo, I will be back before you know it. Don't miss me too much.

,Lone time no see

2006-08-15T20:15:00.000-04:00

Lonely feelings in my heart,
Searching for a love
That is not near.
Soft smiles, dull eyes,
Weak mumblings from my lips.
Fingertips that feels nothing,
But a heart feels only pain.

I just wanted to sharre that. I wrote it a day in work but I didn't really finish it. These days, I have found a zone for while I am on work. I think it is working for the moment. My birthday is around the corner. I will be 22 on the 22nd of August. This is the first time that I actually feel the age that I am going to turn. Could be that I am getting older? Who knows and who really cares. I will be working that day but the next day, I will be on vacation, I am working towards that happiness.

I wanted to ask myself some deep questions the other day, but like always I forgot what I was doing. However, I know one thing. I still have a "thing" on this guy on work. I thought it have left me by now, but it hasn't. My friend almost hinted something to him. Why? I don't fucking know, but I don't think he pick up on it.

I am in a somewhat good place mentally. Well a good enough place as I can be. Another I have realise about me is that I have alot of regrets. I got them all in a box in the corner of my mind. I got alot of cobwebs on them, but I want to disturb them. Someday, I will be able to open them and throw each one of my regrets, but that day isn't tomorrow. In time, it will be done.

Search

2006-08-07T22:56:00.000-04:00

I am always searching something. But I don't look at the people in my life, how they behave or what they have to offer me. I am searching within myself to just realise what I have and to take the situation as it is. I never what to be lying to myself or fooling myself. That is for people to tried to do. I must have the sense within me to basically detect all that bullshit.

I also try to see what I give to people. Well, for one, I cannot be rude to someone. I am always polite or I just don't response to them. I always keep things within which is not good because one day, I might explode at the wrong time and place. But believe me, when I do, I couldn't care one fart.

But I have to make changes and I have been making changes. So to make peace with myself, I promise to

Take better care of myself. No one cannot do that for me.
Be more open to my family and friends.
At least defend myself more. This I have definately put into practice.
Make sure no one is using me. I have pin point people in my life that just like use and let go. I have let them go.
Always maintain a humble attitude.

Life, it isn't cruel or hard, it is just being able to exist within its time mentally stable.

Mentally

2006-07-28T20:54:00.000-04:00

Mentally. I also reflect on my life mentally. Sometimes, I feel I have nothing to show for my years so far on this earth, except for my age getting older on August 22nd. I know, somewhere in me, i am living my life the way I want it. Simple and quiet. At times, a little wildness but, nothing life changing.

Poetry Poetry

2006-07-22T23:28:00.000-04:00

The Moments

Blinded by the confusion
Of the feelings in my heart.
Looking into eyes
Of another, who wasn't at
First tied to my soul.
Quickly,the passion in my body
Takes over all truth and honest
In my mystified being.
As the moments build,
I forgot the love
That I have for another.
I forgot the promises
I truthfully made to him.
At the moment,
I would never be
The same again for him.

Loving Poetry

2006-07-21T20:56:00.000-04:00

Last Breath

Slowly, myself is fading from
The eyes of the one I love.
I am no longer breathing,
But gasping at love's sweet air.
My body is numb from
Feeling his loving protection.
His hands, I don't know
If he is still holding my hand.
His cries, I am hearing
Them faintly now.
With my last strength,
I touch his lovely face.
Our love is even stronger now.
Your angel will love you always.

Poetry vibes 4

2006-07-09T01:17:00.000-04:00

My pact

How easy it was for you to hurt me.
Your words might have well been slaps,
As I felt each pained across my cheeks.
Yet, my heart holds onto you so strong.
So, I am deciding now, at this second.
I will cry all my tears
For pain felt in the past,
For all pain I felt today, and
For all the pain you will cause in days to come.
I will cry all my tears in my hands,
And rub them into my face and over my lips.
I will take a deep breath then and make a shield.
I am ready for the pain you will cause tomorrow.
As the words lash out of your mouth,
My eyes will look off the ground,
And straight into your blank eyes.
But in my eyes you will see, the pact
I made to myself.
You will not hurt me anymore
No matter how much I love you.

Poetry vibes 3

2006-07-09T01:02:00.000-04:00

For all...

You left me for another, as you
Said you didn't really want me.
Though you were gone, you kept
Yours eyes on me and saw,
For all the sad I was sad,
I didn't beg for you back.
For all the sad I was sad,
I didn't just stay at home.
For all the sad I was sad,
I wasn't afraid to smile at other guys.
Now for some reason, you would
Like to have me back in your life.
But, for all the sad I was sad,
I made myself think clearly.
For I realise, I didn't love you.
I just love the thought of having you.
So after the sadness past,
I am better being without you.

Poetry vibes 2

2006-07-06T22:00:00.000-04:00

I was just feeling silly!

Playful we are

You know how playful we are.
We watch each other,
From other sides of the room.
I sway my hips side to side,
Watching deep in your eyes.
You rub your hands other
And nod your head gently.
I lick my lips, you stretch your arms.
I turn my head to the side,
And look at you from the corner of my eyes.
You simply look down, nodding your head.
But, I give up for you always win.
I slowly walk over to you,
And rest my head on your shoulders.
I felt the protection
As your arms held me to your body.
I look at your face, you watch me and smile.
You were waiting on your prize.
Should I tease you some more?
No, I wouldn't. Come get your prize.

Poetry vibes

2006-07-06T21:39:00.000-04:00

Simple but sweet

I will always stand firm for you.
Never falling backwards, but
Only forward in my love for you.
I will always protect you,
Even when I am scared.
I will always have strength for you,
Even when I am at my weakest.
Each day our bond will grow
Til it ties our souls as one.
Simple but sweet, our love.
It will always be our love,
Til the last second of time.

My mental state

2006-07-02T20:50:00.000-04:00

Well to start off, I recently went on a recall. Imagine, I went on a recall for a training that I have never been on. There I was to do a skit, but I hate to be placed "on de spot", so it was very dry and it came off "don't care-ish", which I normally reflect. Well most times. But working in a position where I deal with the general public, I am told that I am very courteous and friendly with my customers. But when I did the skit, they told me that I didn't really connect with my customer, but I was catching my ass pretending to be in front of a computer searching for info. Again, I couldn't care less.

Now, this seem to be my tag line for the past few days, maybe even weeks - "I couldn't care less". During one of several monitoring with my supervisor, where we discuss our performance, she describe me as flippant. It was the first time hearing that word but I didn't ask what it meant, but I knew it was something that I would "steups" about. But first, I will try to re-enact how the word was use.

Start Scene
Me: Well, I understand all of that, but I don't want to seem like if I "don't care" or rushing the customer off.
Supervisor: Well, I know, and at times you may seem a little flippant. But that is what you will have to do to meet the goals.
End scene.

But this was weeks ago and only tonight I looked up the meaning. Surprisingly, I didn't make me vex or "steups". Instead, I found that it was funny.

Flippant - having a quick tongue; saucy; disrespectful.

I laugh because that is not me. When I am in my "couldn't care less" mood, I don't even talk back. I prefer not to respond. Yes, it may seem rude, but it is less disrespectful than what I might say.

So for the past few weeks, I have adopted my "couldn't care less" attitdue to my work. I mean, I still go everyday and give the best that I can from me, but I am not doing that at the expense of my mental health. I believe that since I am working there, I am under stress. So I need to find ways, to just relax my mind and my body. I told one of my co-workers recently, "When I say 'I am tired', I don't mean my body. I mean mental tiredness."

But I feel after all is said and done, I believe I will be one of the few to actually stay. I am on contract. I just finish school a year before I believe. So far, I am working a year and six months. But I can't see myself going back to school as yet as I like making my own money to be independent. But I haven't made a year as yet with this job. But since I have been working there, I have never said I liked it. Even when people ask, I respond by saying, "Well... I getting money."

So, to relax I am going to listen to music like I am mad, crochet up a storm and start back to read. I need to lose myself somewhere to win back clarity for my life and future.

Thanks

2006-06-30T12:07:00.000-04:00

I felt like I needed to make this post. I know reading over some of my posts, I notice mis-spelt words, missing words and badly place sentences. But it is the laziness in me that does not go back and correct it. I guess I am saying thanks to accepting my flaws.

Break time

2006-06-29T10:11:00.000-04:00

I did some writing during work yesterday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel lost. Stop signs, direction signs does nothing for my mental health. I have questions but I don't know these questions. So I don't expect answers if I don't have the questions. I feel so lost.

I reach deep within me,
And pull out nothing.
My insides are empty,
Haunted by my own worries.

I search deep within me,
And I find fear.
These fears, they are growing
With me each day.

I search deep within me,
And I find saddness.
This saddness, drowns only
Some of my happy thoughts.

I search deep to the bottom of me,
And I found hope.
This hope, it kept my inside
Bright to my darkest fears and saddness.

I look at them all in front of me,
Fears, saddness and hope.
I reach out and place them back in me.
After all they are a part of me.

Triggers, Bam Bam

2006-06-22T16:50:00.000-04:00

I am on a training for my job. Seeing that I am a csr, I have to know ways of dealing with customers. Especially, irate customers. So we have to identify our triggers as not to blow up or to lose control. Now, I haven't blow up at my job or my personal life, but I have identify a few things that tick me off.

Loud breathing. It wasn't a problem before until I sat next to my friend for two days and heard him breathing. I still have one more day to hear that when the room is quiet. Bear in mind, he is sitting across the table from me and not next to me.
Loud sucking. The sound of a sweetie knocking against to someone teeth is sickening now. My same friend has made me aware to this sound today.
The phrase "you just working there"

But the real triggers are the ones at are emotional attached though. The ones where you forgot are dealing with someone and you think you are screaming at a memory. I haven't pin point anything like that yet. I can search myself though. So, it is a good thing to know your triggers so that your amygdala wouldn't be hijacked. You wouldn't want to be screaming at someone who doesn't deserve it.

Birthday Calculator

2006-06-19T21:28:00.000-04:00

Birthday Calculator

I thought that it was going to be a waste of time clicking that link but, the data was interesting. Especially my life path. It describe me more less.

My data -

You entered: 8/22/1984

Your date of conception was on or about 30 November 1983 which was a Wednesday.

You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Leo.
Your Life path number is 7.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 4 & 22.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 3, 6, 8 & 11.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2445934.5.
The golden number for 1984 is 9.
The epact number for 1984 is 27.
The year 1984 was a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/2/1984 and ending 2/19/1985.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Rat.

As of 6/19/2006 9:20:22 PM EDT
You are 21 years old.
You are 262 months old.
You are 1,139 weeks old.
You are 7,971 days old.
You are 191,325 hours old.
You are 11,479,520 minutes old.
You are 688,771,222 seconds old.

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.11976516634051 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

There are 64 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 22 candles.

Your birthstone is Peridot
The Mystical properties of Peridot

Peridot is used to help dreams become a reality.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Sardonyx, Diamond, Jade

Your birth tree is

Cedar, the Confidence
Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, wants to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy, optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning crescent.

Well I delete some stuff but the info to me was really cool.

Attention: Poetry Time

2006-06-14T23:02:00.000-04:00

Hope Sunrise, Heartbreak Sunset

The sun rises with hopes of love.
The love that I have for someone.
But, I am in love with
Someone who loves another.
Seeing each day, his love
Growing for someone else.
Knowing well that my love
Can be as strongs as his.
I am ready, to give to him
Everything and more, that
He may want from me or anybody.
But still, he loves another...
Who don't love as strong as him.
I wish that he would
Touch and hold me,
The same way he held her.
His smiles, I want to be
The reasons for his smiles.
His eyes, shows all the love
That he have for her.
My eyes, shows the same for him.
I wish that he can see that.
But, as the sun sets once again,
There is still heartbreak for me.

Maturing

2006-06-12T22:07:00.000-04:00

Can people really define it through their personal experiences? To me, sometimes it is slow. The process can be seen through small and many occasions of changes. Then sometimes it is a replica of the big bang. It just hits you. You are older now.

I can see my maturing process through several occasions. Little things that I do differently and things that I see not necessary anymore. But I always feel that I will keep my silliness and the little girl in me. I dont have funa nd do wild and silly things, it is best I pretend to be someone else.

Poetry Break

2006-06-02T08:51:00.000-04:00

Come Join Me

I see within my body
A beautiful, quiet garden.
The lush gras holds
Onto my dying youth.
And a lake that is there
To catch all my tears.
The trees and flowers I saw
Grew from my happiness and joy.
The bird there within chirps
To run way my sorrows.
In this garden,
It is never dark and gloomy.
In this garden,
The light is always
Shining bright from memories.
Memories that I shared with you.

Playlist

2006-05-31T22:49:00.000-04:00

I joke and tell my friends that I get high every day. High from music. YUH FEEL ME!!!!

My playlist this weekend:

01. Smoke marijuanna - Sizzla
02. Touch Me - Sizzla
03. King With A Crown - Matisyahu
04. Give Me A Try - Sizzla
05. Bird Pepper - Khari Kill
06. Ghetto Story - Baby Cham
07. Bed Noise - Lady Saw
08. Dutty Wine - Ton Matterhorn
09. Last Night - Dr. Evil
10. Baduizm - Erykah Badu

Inner voice

2006-05-22T21:57:00.000-04:00

If I listen to my inner voice, would I like to hear what she has to say? Will I tune her out as she is getting to root of me? My inner voice is the most soft spoken person I have ever heard. She is usually gentle but firm with me. However, I block out things I don't to hear. I looma ther each day in the mirror.

"I will smile when you smile.'

I tried to smile.

'Don't force anything. You have nothing to prove to me. I just want you happy"

I looked straight into her eyes. I search for everything that is wrong and everything that is good. Usually, they say things that are good can outweigh everything that is bad. But is that really the truth?

I don't lie to my inner voice nor does she fool me. We have an undertanding that we are one, and through this life we are both living together. I face the world, and she face my inner world. But out of the two which is more dangerous?

Just don't

2006-05-22T21:30:00.000-04:00

I have low self-esteem. I have come to trms with that an dI have learn ways to make myself stronger. One method is not to give one fuck. That is a high-flying fuck. I have learned to shrug most shit off. But the one thing I can not stand is being the topic of a conversation. I mean, I can not stop some one from talking about me but don't let me hear or don't let me about. I am not going to do nothing out of the way, but I just hate being a subject. Be it good or bad, I dont like it. Which is odd, cause leos suppose to love attention. I only want attention from guys I like.

Do some things.

2006-05-22T21:01:00.000-04:00

I took this from Trent's.

THE RULES: List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any "comment speculation."

01. I had like you, but you was using me. I don't care for you to change my mind, I know the truth within me.
02. I like how you make me blush. I use every muscle in my body not to kiss you that day.
03. We grew up as best friends, but you push me aside everytime you had a boyfriend. Now, you only know me when you want something.
03. You were the best boyfriend I had, though it was a short time.
04. I didn't care what you had to say about me, because I know you was jealous of me.
05. You died, but I didn't know you was sick. I am sad that you didn't get to meet me, but you made me feel bad me.
06. I know that you are a good friend but at times you annoy me.
07. I know you claim to like me, I can not trust you.
08. You wanted to control me, but I rather have no friends than to be a fool.
09. I can understand that you like me, but I jusnt can't like you.
10. Oh, just fucking shut up!

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Yours :: Mines
2. Charcoal :: Sky
3. Platitude :: Hope
4. Graduation :: Ball
5. Hungry :: Full
6. Somewhere :: At Home
7. Nurse :: Doctor
8. Freak :: Lone
9. Unbelievable :: Ripbleys
10. Walk :: Run

Updating

2006-05-20T13:12:00.000-04:00

I am giving it another chance again. I love anything to do with bobo shanti. In my heart, I like to believe am a rasta.

Empty posts

2006-05-17T00:19:00.000-04:00

Well, the post title Understand was not suppose to be empty. I was typing that post from my mobile post, because I was able of leaving comment for bloggers. But after I had type it out and post it. I saw on my blog, that it was empty. It is just the laziness in my to type it over. I will get to it.

Well yea

2006-05-17T00:11:00.000-04:00

My mom loves to wake me up by talking to me. She just likes to do that, and I don't understand why. Now when I have a day off, I like to sleep. The time was around 8:15am. She came and wame me up the other morning by saying "Jo, come help sweep the yard". My reply, "Hmm. Yea, just let me roll on my belly first." Then she left he room. After a while she came, "Oh gosh, get up Jo!" My reply, "Well, you see I haven't roll on my belly." Then she left again, and I heard from outside after a while, "Get up Jo." So I did. I squinted my way outside and helped sweep the yard.

Later down in the day, I laugh at my replies.

Understand

2006-05-13T14:29:00.000-04:00

designing designing

2006-05-07T22:24:00.000-04:00

well i trying to give my blog a little different look. now i realise that mozilla firefox showing everything fine and internet explorer showing the side bar is at the bottom of the posts. i will try to fix that tomorrow.

poem

2006-05-07T21:03:00.000-04:00

My love for you

Each day I wake with a stronger,
Deeper love for you.
I don't need to make room for you.
Nor do I need to stop
Loving anyone else to love you more.
My love for you
Can reach as wide as the horizon.
In my heart,
My room for you is infinite

Places to live

2006-05-07T21:00:00.000-04:00

Though my country is not perfect, and I know it isn't, I
really can not see myself living anywhere else but here. But
if I had to choose, my first choice would be Greece. Now, I
know nothing about the country. I just know that I like Greek
mythology. My other choice would be New York. I am impress
about that city. Plus I had loved Sex and the City.

I have never travel in my life, only in my most creative dreams.
I have seen some of the most beautiful places when I dream.
Places where I experience love and war, joy and sorrow. In my
dreams, I am capable of doing so much, it makes me sad sometimes
knowing my reality is different. In my dreams, I am a fighter.
I kind of like that as in reality, I am quiet and never been
in a fight.

But I guess best place to live is in the heart of your soul
mate. Yup, that sounds kind of corny. I live in my mind. In a
world that is base around my reality.

Fwd email

2006-05-06T21:14:00.000-04:00

Let us consider this story for a moment. This was a forward email that I had received. It was a beautiful story and decided to share it. But before I had click forward, I ask myself a question. Who in the right mind will be stuck on an island and ask for nothing? If I was stuck, I wasn't staying by myself for one, and I would pray hard and long for a way off the island. But I undertand the moral of the story but still, human nature to me isn't like that.

Two Survivors

A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island.

The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agree that they had no other recourse but to pray to God.

However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.

The first thing they prayed for was food.

The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the Land, and he was able to eat its fruit.

The other man's parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife.

The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the island. On the other side of the island, there was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food.

The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him; however, the
Second man still had nothing.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could
leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island.

The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island.

He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven
Booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?"

"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered.

"His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."

"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings."

"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"

"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us.

This is too good not to share. With obedience come blessings.

My prayer for you today is that all your prayers are

answered.
Be blessed!

"What you do for others is more important than what you do for yourself"

My birthright

2006-05-03T22:39:00.000-04:00

My birthright through my mom is my drawing skills, my comedic timing and my foul mouth. From my mom and my aunts, I know the art of cussing. My aunts are the masters really. I usually and always surprise people the first time they hear me cuss. Like my friend says "the first time you hear josie cuss, you will be taken aback, then you will realise how normal she can sound when she swear". I don't practice to just walk down the road and curse people. My appearance at all times is always quiet.

Another one of my friends ask a day, "What makes fuck a bad word". I don't really see it as a bad word. I see it was a way of getting a point across. Not all people can understand politeness, some only know to response to bad attitudes and harsh words.

The kind of person I am, I reflect the way you treat me on you. You give me attitude, I will give you back attitude. And then I will smile. The kind of person I am, I can not hide my facial expression. And why would I want to.

So yes, I can use swear words like it is part of my native language. But it is just simple words. It is just the way it is use it is offensive.

What a fucking thing!!!

Empty

2006-05-02T23:26:00.000-04:00

Though my eyes can run over everything on a male body, I especially like to watch their mouth and eyes. This co-worker on mines, his eyes kind of made an impression on me. It isn't a good or bad impression. It isn't "Damn! Your eyes are fine" kind of thing. It is that when I look at his eyes, it just seem empty. I mean I don't understand why I am getting that feeling, but looking at his eyes, it seem dull and dead.

For some reason, that damn thing is haunting me. Well, it will haunt until I fall asleep and til whenever I see him again.

Beep Beep Ah Toot Toot

2006-05-02T11:29:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I title my post that, It just came to me. Well, I guessing I am just passing by so stop and take notice. I have been up to pretty nothing these days. Just work and home. I am on training for work and I am just waiting on lunch. So, beep beep ah toot toot. Later I will type a better post.

Ramblings

2006-04-24T00:53:00.000-04:00

This was definately ramblings. I this on the 26th as well. I guess that was a slow day or a slow moment. I can not even remember what I was thinking when I typed that.

"The one thing that a person should never lose is hope. Hope brings a strength to you when you are weak to the seemingly impossible things in your mind. Never lose hope. Life will be fill with a darkness that will never let light through."

"I search for all the happiness in my life to give to you. I search to give all of me to you. Gladly, I will walk into your life and stay peacefully. My smiles will be always for you and with the thought of you. I hope to reflect my love for you always in my kisses and hugs. I hope to always show you my love in my actions."

I figure I was really bored that moment or just needed some release. I can not remember. :D

Poem

2006-04-24T00:40:00.000-04:00

I wrote this since the 26th of March while I was on work. I
don't know why I took so long to share. Well, maybe I do know.
Because it is incomplete. Well, it seems to me to be incomplete.

~
I wish for a love,
That starts a fire in my heart.
That burns through the veins of my body.
Which light will shines through my eyes,
And glow on my smile.

I wish to be touch gently,
And also rough.
A touch that can clear my mind,
And erase all fears.
An embrace that will be felt
Always on my body.

I wish to always feel you.
A connection so strong,
That words will be hardly needed.
~

Thirteen Things.

2006-04-24T00:07:00.001-04:00

I am a romantic. Most of the times, when my mind has the time to wander, I am thinking of love. I will make a list of thirteen things my partner must have. Well, this will be more of a guidlines of what to look for.

Must be respectful of my opinions and me.
Must be caring, loving and generous.
Must have a sense of humour.
Must be able to have a conversation.
Must be what I consider attractive.
Must be steady-minded, having clear goals in mind.
Must be capable of interacting with my family and friends.
Must be trust-worthy.
Should be capable of appreciating different forms of art, that is movies and music.
Should not be too secretive.
Must not have petty ways and nasty attitudes.
Must have a connection with me.
Must be capable of being sponateous.

All that I wish my partner to be, I wish for myself to be for him. I am a romantic. Not just to my heart, but to the blood in my veins. I am trying to give different guys a chance, but I am looking for the one guy that makes not even question myself if I like him. Though, all the things on my list are important, I believe number 12 is what I look for most.

I can see you...

2006-04-18T00:31:00.000-04:00

I have another dream that I would like to share. It is about my co-worker and friend.

I dreamt the co-worker was a werewolf but I was seeing her in human form with this long black dreads. She is short, fair-skinned, so the long ras was a shocker. She was looking for me in my dream to fight. I wasn't scared of her, but more shock that she was a werewolf. I was looking at her and I saw my friend pointing to all the places she believed I will be. It had seem as if my friend was under a spell.

Well basically that was the jest of my dream. Now, this co-worker of mines is very two-face and a dirty scammer. The same friend that is in my dream, told me of everything that she does. Things I wish not to know. Now, when we first meet, I was the first one to talk to her and the first one to disike her. My friend took to her more and I decided to stay out of their friendship.

Sometime after that, like some weeks, my friend told me of her ways and the shit she does and get away with. But my whole problem isn't what she gets away. My problem is that she kind of gets my friend in trouble or have people questioning her. My friend doesn't like it but she keeps protecting this co-worker. She tells me whenever she tells her about it, the co-worker just laughs. Imagine this, up to now, my friend will still cover for her.

I am not going to interrupt their friendship. That is her friend. She has a hold over her but she like her. Who is me to question the people that a person choose to have in their life?

My dreams mean...

2006-04-13T00:27:00.000-04:00

I love finding out what my dreams mean. Recently, I had this dream.
~
Dream One-
I was in a taxi in my area. The driver parked next to another car and left to go somewhere. I was talking to the driver in the other car because I knew him. Then I saw this guy walking with his dog towards this group of little birds. When he reach them, they started to follow him in a line. After a while, they all flew to a tree for their food which it had this big spider. All of sudden, I was in this jail place and they was putting two guys in their cell. The cell was the size of a wardrobe.
~
Basically that was the dream. I look up a few main things from the dream in a success dream book my mum has.
Birds - Denote success in your present undertakings.
Spider - To see one in you sleep, denotes that you will receive a sum of money in a short time.
Cell - To dream of a cell is a sign that you will experience a little inconvenience.

Now, I dreamt this a week before I was suppose to get paid and remember saying I hope the inconvenience isn't with my money. Say I dreamt that on the 27th or the 28th of March, it is now the freaking 13th of April. What the hell! I want my money.

Misreading

2006-04-13T00:10:00.000-04:00

It had this guy Marlon who had like me. I haven't heard of him in about two to three weeks, so I would use the past tense that he had like me. He was trying hard for me to like him, but everything he was doing was turning me off. I like things to have an easy flow but it just wasn't happening. I know body language speak loudly, but sometimes a person respond to something that wasn't directed to them. Ok, here is an example. Folding your arms is a negative sign depending on the situation where it was display. Now, my friend and her boyfriend is standing to the back of me. Marlon was standing to the back of them. My friend was talking with her boyfriend and I don't know what Marlon was doing, but I was looking for transport. So I step up from them and look up the road for transport, saw none and fold my arms, continuing to look up the road. All of sudden, I would hear him say "That is a sign of rejection." He came closer to me and say again.
Plainly, I said to him "If I was speaking to you and did that, well then you can say that. But was we speaking? No!" He said I had a point. He said something after that but I tune him out. It was late and I wanted to go home.

Exercise for my fingers

2006-04-12T23:54:00.000-04:00

This past two weeks was mainly a quiet week. I haven't been anywhere else besides work and home. So basically, all I have been doing is watching t.v., which sucks cuz t.v. has nothing. I have been watching these new shows on mtv, parental control and yo momma. I don't even want to glimpse yo momma again. Parental control seems cool enough but I don't understand the kind of dates they go on. I guess I am more traditional because wrestling lessons, isn't what I will consider a date, or a date idea. However, this show, sweet sixteen, is just to show off how much money you have and how spoil your child is. It really sickening sometimes. I realise alot of shows I used to view, I don't no more. I use to love smallville, one tree hill andcharmed, but it had reach a point where I just got fed up. I generally, now, only want to watch movies.
I realise tonight, that have this soft spot for tender parts in movies or sitcoms. Anytime someone is sad or depressed, I always wish I was there to make them happy. Or just to let them know I am there. I don't ever know what I would say, I would have just want to hold their hand. I like people to know that I am here to listen.

Fresh Egg Shell

2006-04-02T13:30:00.000-04:00

Well I have this new found self esteem about myself. I am glad to have found it. I feel better about myself than I have felt ever. But this new self discovery, I hope not to change. With that fear that my personality might change, I somehow built a stronger shell around me. Very silly of me. But at else with this egg, I can break and built that shell anytime I want.

The promise I will make

2006-03-18T00:49:00.000-04:00

I wrote this the day after. It had many things that was in my head. So I took down my broom and my duster. I sweep my thoughts together but needed more room and that wall needed to come down. Third entry was:

"I am a good actress to others. I can make them believe and feel things that is not true. However, I cannot fool myself. For nothing, I can not put myself in an illusion of something not true. I tell my friends that I am looking for a boyfriend, but I am really looking for a soul mate. I want to find my guy now. I feel my body, mind and soul searching for him everyday. My eyes are open, my love, just to glimpse you. My ears are open to hear your whisper. My hands are out to feel your gentle caress. I will make promises to you and wishes of you. I will love. True to my heart I will always love you. I wish one day to have you read my thoughts over. This way you can understand me and my ways. I believe you are the key. You can free the rest of me. The most beautiful part of me. My heart is wanting to be open. Read the journal of me thoughts and understand me. Be my guide and mate. Be for me, and love me always."

Time to be free

2006-03-18T00:44:00.000-04:00

I made this entry right after the first one. I was just thinking of me and the way I am.

"I hate how shy and reserved I can be. I hold myself back from so many good experiences, it makes me sad. But, still I can not seem to break out of my shell, It is made of a material that only the I love can break, I am scared that I might not find him, or he might not find me, or that we will pass each and don't even realise our fate, I long to break free, and wish that I do it myself. But if I was different, and did things when I wanted, I would have been free by now."

True from my heart

2006-03-18T00:28:00.000-04:00

I have gotten in the habit of writing towards a person of thinking about. It helps clarify my inner thoughts when I feel I said my piece to an imaginery them. Lust is a funny thing. Having crushes is the worse but it is life. My journal was:

"True from my heart. Let me speak to you a moment. Let us converse for a moment that will be real for the both of us. I have something to tell you. I have always seen you. And, I know that you didn't see me. But that didn't sadden me. I felt drawn to you for reasons I did not know. I had only now seen you, and knew that I like you. Being as shy as I am, I didnot approach you much and hardly said anything. Our friendship started as a pure accident. A mistake that I was glad to make, or else I really wouldn't have known you much. Every time I see you I smile.

Only three people know that I liked you, and that was too many. I don't like my feelings to be known, especially when I can be hurt by them. I also found out that you have a girlfriend. I am not shocked by this, as most good guys are always taken. I also found out that you also like somebody else. This I really didn't want to know, but my friend thought it best I do. But I cannot let that change my feelings for you. One of my friends feels that you are attracted to me. I believe you see me as good friend. A sister even. Just somebody cool.

But I cannot and will not be made at you. You are not aware of my feelings. I am not going to let anything change. My feelings are my burden and my blessings. Knowing you will be good for me. I dont know what the future will lead to. Our relationship is only now growing. But I like you. An attraction that I am proud of and cherish. Be close to me all times. These feelings are true from my heart."

End of entry

Well finally

2006-03-18T00:24:00.000-04:00

Well finally, I broke down my writer's concrete block wall. So, I made some entries in my Journal one night before I went and sleep. I am now going to share them with.

Wishes, Only Wishes

2006-03-11T21:50:00.000-04:00

As much as I say I am happy with myself and the way I am, there are still alot of things that I wish for that I can do. I admire people that can do martial arts, play a musical instrument or who can sing. I have never been in physical fight but a few verbal fights. Believe me, this quiet girl can cuss very stink if provoked. But I wish I can do some back flips and kick people. Do splits and punch. But I can not do those movie stuff. But if ever in a fight, I know I am hitting hard and hitting where it hurts. I going for everything. I love to see people make beautiful music with any kind of musical instrument. Especially the piano. I see that instrument as being elegnant and serene. And to be able to sit and be at peace and play a beautiful lullaby, just makes me pause. I wish to be that serene for just a moment.

Sledge-hammer

2006-03-02T20:23:00.000-04:00

I had so many things to post about to come and sit in front of my computer, and have writer's frigging concrete block. So many things was bothering me that I can't place in words of any kind. I don't really like to just post about myself as in what I did for the day. Well not usually. I generally like to have a topic. So I am hoping with my hands typing away, a sledge-hammer will knock down that frigging wall.

So I am trying some new things for this year. Since, the glasses is gone and I am wearing contacts, I loose out my plaits and comb my hair (for the time being). Everyone was surprise with my new look. A bit too surprised but a little change is always good. So, I am also working on a new attitude though nothing is with it. I am just working on being more open with myself to people. And also to give strange guys a chance. I hope you know what I mean. Not to judge them too quick.

Anyhoo, I can't wait to get paid. I already have things that I want to buy. Here is my lovely list:

A cute work shoe
Some music cds
Some Hair accessories
A work pants and 2 shirts. The tighter kind. The more relaxing kind.
Jeans and 2 new tops and underwear

And of course, I got to save at least $400 and pay a bill, so that first before any spending. Now that was really my wish list because after I did that, I realise I forgot my printer needed fixing and I needed some computer programs and probably memory.

Well, for all the type I had type, that sledge-hammer did not one thing. So I will need to get some dynomite. Boom!!!!!

Playlist

2006-02-24T02:39:00.000-04:00

THE RULES: 10 songs that sum up your weekend . . . or were on your weekend playlist . . . and one picture that relates back.

Damian Marley - Welcome to jamrock album.
Jah Cure - Western Region and other various songs from his albums
Lil Vicious - I Want A New Girl
Mary J. Blige - I found my everything
Adina Howard - Lay him down
Public Annonucement - Sex is on my mind
Outkast feat. Killer Mike - All Day I Dream About Sex
Play N Skillz feat Krayzie Bone and Adina Howard - Freaks
Warren G feat. Adina Howard - Whats Love Got To Do With It
The Roots feat. Cody Chesnutt - Seed 2.0

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took that from Trent. I always listening to those songs. Each song has the ability to put in that mood where I am happy with everything around me.

Yes, I do lie

2006-02-24T01:19:00.000-04:00

Small update - my new eyes and me are adjusting some days are good, some a little tricky. More or less, it is becoming simple to have and wear contacts. Putting it in is simpler but the taking out, is still ... eh.

Any how, I will begin my post now.

I was surpirised by a comment some one made to me the other day. Basically, I believe I told him something that wasn't true and did not remember that I told him so. So when he realise the truth, he ask me if I does lie. I was thankful it was msn conversation because I was laughing. I just roll my eyes and type yes.

It made me wonder. I am the only person to tell a lie every now and again. I know people lie. And yes. People lie to their friends as well. I know a lie is a lie, but I lie about simple things. For example:

If I received a text message that I just don't want to address. I delete it and when they ask me about it, I play dumb. "I never get that text"

I know that may seems cruel but it really isn't. Now, while I was typing this I got sidetracked. Now this guy that I am talking about, I deleted alot of text messages from him after reading it. He is the kind of person that you feel don't think before talking. And not responding to him, was best for me, cause I felt that I could have cuss him. He is also the kind of person that acts like they doing you a favour being your friend. At the end of our conversations, I always felt like I should have cuss him just a little. I lie and told him that I had a man though I don't remember that. I had good reasons to. It seems that he was looking for a girlfriend and was acting like I should have apply. No thank you.
True, I would like to have a boyfriend but not one that would make me headline news: Girlfriend went buck wild upside boyfriend head.

It all adds up

2006-02-15T22:43:00.000-04:00

Like I have always said before, and will continue to say, "I have come to accept and to expect certain thing in life."

I have come to terms that my eyesight will always be bad and that one day I may go blind.
I have come to realise that the guys you fall hard for, are always with someone else.
Though you are told to take chances and risks, some are not worth the fight.
Dreams that you have can be only as real as your reality lets it be.
Friends are your friends, even though you have outgrown each other.
The guys that pay attention to you, don't give you butterflies.

As I get older, things get clearer. Feelings make better decisions. And your heart makes better judgements. Each moment, you go through a trial. Each second, comes a new decision. Each minute make a new outcome. Each hour, create a new destiny. Each day, adds to your journey. Each week, adds to the sanity of your mind. Each month, adds to wonderful memories. Each year, add to your life.

It all adds up.

Why must you

2006-02-15T22:33:00.000-04:00

I don't know why some people think that they must change somebody. If a person is content with themselves, is really up to somebody to make them acceptable for society, or at least their terms. I don't worry about much. Simple things make me happy. So therefore, I am a simple person. The one thing I don't like is somebody always making suggestions towards me. Especially, when I didn't ask for any.

But being how I am simple, I would't say anything. I will just ignore.

Cute day

2006-02-14T21:30:00.000-04:00

I have been a lazy blogger for these past days. But, today needed mentioning. Well, some find that this day is lame. To me, I like this day. It is a cute and sweet day. In work, everybody was giving everyone chocolates and candies, it had cake and ice cream. Today was the find day that I wore my contacts whole day. I almost lost the left side last night. It fell out and I had no clue. This thing will be therapy. I hope to get the hang of it soon.

My mom strongly believes that today is only for lovers and couples. But still, Happy Valentines everybody from this quiet blogger.

My new eyes

2006-02-09T18:48:00.000-04:00

Well as I am typing I am doing this with my new eyes. I got my contacts yesterday. They show me how to put it in and take it out. How to clean it. Just a process. So I am doing my building excerises to get accustom to the lenses. So, I will hope for the best.

Just a tidbit

2006-02-03T11:38:00.000-04:00

My contacts arrive today. So, most likely I will go for them tomorrow. My eye doctor wnats me to wear them at home first for a month to get accustom. This week was a really tame and quiet. I prayed hard sunday asking for patience to be granted to me. So for this week, kept smiliong at little things, keep making jokes, I make sure I kept myself calm.

Fair?

2006-01-27T20:15:00.000-04:00

I know that life is unfair but things with me isnt really unfair. It is just that some things in my life need to change. For one, my job needs to change. I am a person that likes and needs to be settle. I like to fall into a groove of doing the same things everyday with one or two days something different happening. Not where every single day some shit happens! There is always a constant change and it has me really restless and really hyper. I feel like if I can cry but I just want to relax and have fun this weekend. But I know that I will be home, doing nothing. It is sad, but very true.

Life is fair, just some moments are shit!

Contact fitting day

2006-01-23T22:11:00.000-04:00

Well today was the fitting for the contacts. I must say it was a little funny. The lady came in and she told me to lend my head back against the wall. Open your eyes wide. They always say that and my eyes are wide open. So, she says look straight forward. Look down. Then she push that thing in my right eye. My eyes were watering, and I was only blinkiing. Then she place the other contact in my left eye. My eyes were still watering and she was only telling to look down. So she place me to sit outside with my mom. I couldnt blink my left eye cause the contact wasnt feeling well in that eye.
So, I decide to blink cause I need to get some water out my eyes. Flop. Out went the contact. That was funny. I tell you, I can laugh, giggle and smile at anything I called funny. So she put it back in and told me to keep looking down. Then I blink again. Flop. so we went back in her office.
She change the contact in my left again but it flop out again.
So the decision now again is to come back on Wednesday to a different branch to testing with some different contacts. If those dont work, I have to go to a professional and have them design contacts for me. Surprisingly, I heard that but I was still happy.
If you was wondering why the contact in the left eye flop out is because that eye is mid-keratoconus. So the shape of the corena is so steep that the contact not fit on my eye.

Twenty Five Answers

2006-01-23T21:37:00.000-04:00

Ok. I answer most questions.

1. I am most of the times. so yes and no
2. Finding a guy to love me and who I will love back
3. Just being alive at times to experience and meet different people.
4. My ability to laugh at the little things in life.
5. My bad eyesight
6. Their neediness at times
7. I am from Trinidad (and Tobago)
8. someone honest, loving, trustworthing, caring and respectful. and of course funny. I love to laugh
9. I never did that before
10. if so, why?
11. if not, why?
12. I dont want to answer
13. I dont want to answer
14. Well the fact that I have to, and that when I go to work, I will get pay.
15. In a job that I will be happy with and a loving boyfriend/husband. You know... whatever.
16. To take better care of myself
17. Nobody to bother me with shit
18. I dont want to answer
19. I dont want to answer
20. Girlfriends, Gilmore Girls, I have lost track of most shows to tell you the truth.
21. Gabrielle Union, Morris Chestnut, Vin Diesel,
22. Mary J. Blige - The Breakthrough
23. Quiet, Loner, Generous
24. Leo
25. Staying true to me and finding out different things about me

Posting

2006-01-21T22:19:00.000-04:00

How many love to flirt? OH I do! Me, I do! I love to flirt. I like making other guys smile.

All women are flirts, but some are restrained by shyness, and others by sense.

Not everyone can flirt or put it off lightly that they like someone. No reason to force something that you don't have naturally.
Anyhoo, I saw this LESSON OF THE DOG on a site and decide that wanted to share it with you.

LESSON OF THE DOG
If a dog were your teacher, you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie down under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout; run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
And most of all... If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it .

Career test

2006-01-14T00:47:00.000-04:00

I did a career test and that was my result. I have actually consider being an artist, being a novelist and graphic designer. This test was more or less accurate.

~~~~~~
You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to be creative, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

Artist
Historian
Banker
Novelist
University Professor
Photographer
Vet
Paralegal
Graphic Designer
Online Content Developer
Webmaster
Producer
Managing Director
Nutritionist
Advertising
Nursing

You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don�t like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don�t like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don�t get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don�t like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.
~~~~~~

Things that make life

2006-01-12T23:23:00.000-04:00

I told one friend N on Monday or Tuesday about my eyes. I had send her a nice little email and she was concern and scared for me. She didnt press me with any worries, but just simple questions. Well, I didnt work yesterday. I made up a some-what-truth-lie about seeing blurry. The truth was that the specialist did drop something in my eye that had me seeing blurry for about 3 to 4 hours. The lie was that by the time my shift started I was seeing fine again. Say what, I catch up on some much needed sleep.

I am a person that always believes that no one misses me when I am not there. Well, people did miss me and ask about my eyes. I just say yea, they are fine. Or I just smile at whatever comment they made.

I told another friend H today about my eyes because she was fishing with too much questions. I didnt really plan to tell her, so I just give her the jest of things. Then she started with, "Aint it bothering you? It woulda bother me!" I replied, saying that I kinda made peace with it. But really and truly I didnt want to talk about it. So she asked "What you doing about it? Are you praying?" My reply was a shrug shoulder.

Again, I didnt want to talk about. I talk more this way. When I am typing, I am a blabbermouth with true feelings. In spoken voice, I just like to laugh and talk a pack of shit. So that was during break. Now, during lunch, one of our friends ask how my eyes were doing. She told her fine because she didnt want to be talking all about that. I respected that because I dont want to tell alot of people. So she start again with how she dont understand how it not bothering me. So I told her that I can not let it stop me. I can not just say that I dont want to work and be all sad. I have to move on.
In truth, I have made terms with it. I have express my fear and I will do whatever my doctor says and I will pray. But I can not just stop. I know that is not wrong. So basically at the end of our conversation, I told not to let it bother her.
This happen just Saturday. I need to adjust because this is life. Not everything in life is sweet and perfect. Things happen. Things that make life.

Confirmation

2006-01-11T20:19:00.000-04:00

I went to the specialist today. So he basically confirm everything that eye doctor said. He was kind and friendly. So the options are glasses or contacts. I will try for the contacts. He said that if I had told him that I had good vision in this eye before, the option would have be for surgery. Where you would be taking the cornea from a dead person's eyes and putting it in my eyes. So I am happy that is not the route we would have to take. So now I got to go back to the eye doctor on Friday but his results.

My true fear

2006-01-08T01:29:00.000-04:00

Okay, I am to share something with you guys that only my parnets know. Well I don't know if you know, but I have bad eye sight. Really bad eye sight. So today, I went to the eye doctor and I found out that I had Keratoconus.

Keratoconus is a disorder that involves a thinning and weakening of the central cornea. The normally round shape of the cornea becomes distorted. A cone-like bulge develops, resulting in significant visual impairment.

Well, from the moment I was in the office until I left, I only wanted to cry. Even before finding out before this rare thing. But now, I got to go to an eye specialist. To find how best to treat my eyes because there is a way to correct it. So I always wanted to send in a secret to PostSecret, so here it is:

"I believe that with my bad eye sight, I will go blind one day."

So, that is my biggest fear. I never said it to no one and not even myself properly. But I am scared.

Finally.

2006-01-08T01:17:00.000-04:00

Finally, I made a new year resolution. I am go to take better care of myself. I am going and be strong make a routine and stick to it. I already learn to stay away from ice cream as it make me put on weight. So I am dedicating this year as well as the rest to come, God spare life, to taking better care of myself. From my hair down to toes, I will pay attention to.

I can do it. I believe that much.

Faith

2006-01-04T20:50:00.000-04:00

Faith. How would you describe your faith. For these past these days I have heard this word being mention. I wonder sometimes how strong is my faith. Sometimes, I believe it isn't at a level that some people show it to be.
Faith is describe as "Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing". As well as, "Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence". Of course, it is also describe as "The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will".
I believe that things will happen as it should. I pray. I wouldn't say that I pray every night but I pray most nights and mornings. I pray and ask for what I want and I give thanks when it is receives. But in asking, you must be helping yourself along the way as well. You can not just expect things will be done. Now, I don't really go to church, but I pray at home. I am wondering these days about faith. I heard my friend mention that she had faith and that late at night when she is going home, she just pray and walk. "Not afraid of a thing" she says. I can go that but I wouldn't want one. Times are not safe to walk like that. So, I wonder, if I am showing my faith enough?